Not Plain Jane

Love came down at Christmas

2011-12-25T09:48:00.000-05:00

My sweet mother had a difficult relationship with Christmas. She loved the idea of it, and she loved all our family's traditions — she created many of them, after all. But Christmas also tended to disappoint her sometimes, especially when it wasn't picture-perfect. In a family of nine, things were rarely picture-perfect; we didn't notice, but she did.

When we were growing up our parents created a magical time for us every year, and Gig's creativity and ingenuity were woven through the season — themed Christmas trees, pfeffernüsse cookies, actually-delicious fruit cake, beautiful arrangements of greens and decorations that filled the house, a Christmas morning that was staged as carefully as a Broadway theater set — and often, there were gifts she made herself.

My mother loved to sew. She sewed for most of her life; her mother was a seamstress as well. She made most of my sisters' and my clothes when we were growing up — in the early 1960's she made my sister Sarah and me two beautiful Easter outfits that included reversible linen coats — and she kept at it long after I was grown. When the grandchildren began arriving, starting in 1970, she kept sewing, and she concentrated on Christmas.

Each year seemed to have a theme — I wish I could remember them all. The nightgowns and footie pajamas, stick horses, teddy bears, pillows in the shape of letters for each child, shiny stuffed fish. There might have been dinosaurs, and there must have been others that I just can't remember.

In March, when I came home from Gig's memorial service and that short but amazing visit with my entire family, something began to take shape in my knitter/auntie/crazy-woman brain. What if I were to knit something — some little something — for those nieces and nephews, and their children, the way Gig had sewed for them? Just because I love them. I would be casual about it, and I would knit throughout the year. Things I might want to knit anyway, with yarn I probably already had. My Family Project began.

So I knit things all year long. When I finished, there were seven scarves, five pairs of mitts, and fifteen hats. For my family, and their families and beloveds — for Melody, Sylvester, A'Court, Cynthia, Susan, Ava, Lindsey, Chris, Oliver, Emily, Kylie, Jacob, Amy, Sophie, Sam, Dylan, Will, Rachel, Rebecca, Ben, Angela, another Dylan, Varan, Valerie, Kaiden, Robin, and Matt.

The photo is a link to the Family Project Flickr page.

On this Christmas morning I am imagining my family, all opening their little packages, smiling as they remember how much Gig loved us, and I hope they know how much I love them. And wherever you are, whoever you're with — and picture-perfect Christmas or not — I hope this day is filled with love that wraps you up in a warm hug.

"Love came down at Christmas,

Love all lovely, Love divine;

Love was born at Christmas,

Star and angels gave the sign."

Christina Rossetti

Pink

2011-11-01T08:30:00.000-04:00

This year, my Christmas Cactus bloomed at the end of October. This Pink knitting happened at about the same time. Here are two additions to my Family Project, in Good Karma Farm Yarn merino and alpaca. It's a pleasure to knit, and the color is just girly enough!

Better knitting

2011-10-30T17:40:00.000-04:00

Us.

Up.

Close.

When was Rhinebeck — weeks ago? It all went by in a blur. I spent a lot of Saturday "helping" Clara Parkes at her book signing. It was something to see: a line of knitters, all waiting to tell her how much her books mean to them, how they love Knitter's Review, how they learned this or that from her, how much they love that she shares her morning coffee with us via Twitter and Facebook. Knitters are mostly lovely people, and I got to see mostly loveliness that day. Clara signed all the copies of the book that there were, and there weren't nearly enough!

The book is, of course, The Knitter's Book of Socks. Clara asked me to design a pattern, so I did. It came to me on a wintry Sunday morning in Kris' living room, over a cup of coffee in this cup:

Herend 2010.

The pattern is Hickory, in Sundara Sock Yarn. I'm delighted with how they turned out, and with the way the pattern looks and fits into in this incredible book. We are learning so much from Clara Parkes and her books, and she's helping us become better knitters — intuitive, knowledgeable knitters. It's beautiful to see, and that's one reason why standing with her at that table at Rhinebeck, with the line of better-knitters stretching down the aisle, was such an honor.

On Sunday, Judy and the Remarkable R's and I made the rounds at Rhinebeck. It was different because they couldn't be there for both days, but it was still wonderful. I just love our Rhinebeck Tradition. I don't need yarn, of course, but I brought home a little bit of Guanaco and a pair of glass circular needles to add to my small selection.

I've knit a lot since I got home — more hats and some mitts, and a bigger project that's not ready to show yet. I've been working on a design that is about to become a pattern that will eventually become something I hope you might want to knit. Don't tell anyone, okay?


Man Hats I.

Man Hats II, and Foxgloves on the needles.

Give or take

2011-09-28T16:44:00.003-04:00

Baktus with eyelet edge in Sundara Sock "Cactus Flower"

I've been knitting. Finish one thing, start something new. Small things — a scarf, a hat, a pair of mitts. I'm working on what I've come to call The Family Project. That's all I can tell you!

Honey Cowl in Spirit Trail Fiberworks Paivatar, unnamed colorway

Foxgloves in Filatura di Crosa Zara

There's more.

Simple Ribbed Hat in Bijou Spun Himalayan Trail

Maine Morning Mitts in Sundara DK Merino the 2nd, "Lichen Over Slate"

Saroyan in Sundara Fingering Merino Cashmere "Ocean's Edge"

Foxgloves in Briar Rose Cashmere, unnamed colorway

This represents much of my knitting from April through September, give or take a sock or two, and at least one scarf and hat. And there are other things on the needles or in my head, too! I'm not insane, just inspired.

Hitchhiker Scarf in Sundara DK Silky Cashmere, "Spring Fresh"

I started this Hitchhiker scarf yesterday. Must keep moving.

With all this knitting going on, the set of Darn Pretty Interchangeable needles I got at the beginning of the year has turned out to be the best investment I've made in my knitting since, oh, my umbrella swift and ball winder back in 1978. They are absolutely worth the wait, and they really do have the best join I've worked with.

Rosemary Likes Knitting, Too

Oh, and I do still have my day job!

Fifty-six Hours

2011-08-31T16:11:00.000-04:00

That's how long I was without power at home during and after Hurricane Irene. Not too bad, considering that there are many people here on Long Island, and right here on the East End, who don't even know when theirs might be restored.

But fifty-six hours was more than enough. At least I could go to work, where we had power the whole time. At home, I was just uncomfortable and stressed and done. This house gets its water from a well, and when there's no power, there's no water. After I used what I'd stored, I had to haul it from work in a big container. Knowing that my refrigerator full of food was spoiling made it even more difficult. The peaceful haven I count on my little home to be was no longer peaceful, or a haven.

I had a small epiphany this week. Yes, I'm fortunate to live a life where I can count on electricity, running water, and other comforts. But at the same time, I need to acknowledge that I work very hard to provide those things for myself. It's up to me. So when I can't take a shower or flush the toilet, when most of my fresh food becomes inedible, and when I can't see to do much of anything, it's distressing. And I can stop apologizing for that, without diminishing the suffering and hardship that people all over the East Coast — and all over the world — are experiencing right now.

While there was a little bit of daylight on Sunday — in between the moments when I thought I might see Miss Gulch pass my window on her bicycle — I finished the giant swatch I started earlier in the week. It's more of a stitch sampler than a swatch. I worked out the math and the logistics for a shawl with an interesting bit of lace, and played with some lovely lace edges. When my Red Heirloom Tomato yarn arrives from Sundara, I'll begin figuring out how to make it all work on a larger scale. We shall see what becomes of all this swatching and figuring.

I began a pair of socks on Monday, when Kris told me to start something. He even told me what yarn to use (4-ply Organic Poll Dorset from Renaissance Dyeing) and what pattern to knit (Anne Hanson's Caterpillar Socks). I needed someone to tell me what to do by that point, so I'm glad he stepped in and gave me a shake.

Now onward, to Labor Day weekend and the reverse migration of the Summer People — those who haven't given up and gone home already, that is!

What might become

2011-08-24T16:00:00.000-04:00

Just testing. Trying a few things with some leftover Sunna. Seeing if I can put some stitches together into a little shawl. So far, so good.

This is what I have spent the day on, and I've had a wonderful day exploring stitches, making little charts, and casting on (and ripping out). It's a beautiful day here on the end of Long Island, but it's also August, and there are August People everywhere. I'd rather stay home and enjoy the breeze on my porch.

We'll see what becomes of this swatch, but I think it's on its way to becoming what has been percolating for a couple of weeks. There was a day when I was on my way to Sag Harbor, and before I could do anything else I had to stop into the bookstore, grab a piece of paper and a pen, and draw what I had dreamed up in the car.

That's normal, isn't it?

Untended

2011-08-21T20:00:00.000-04:00

This picture says it all. Two months ago, the wisteria was just beginning to climb up my porch railing. Now, it claims my chair.

It's been the same sort of summer as usual: busy. I work long hours, shuffle back and forth between the bookstore and home, and marvel at how time is flying (or complain about how time seems to have stopped). Our website is a full-time job, and exciting. My head is filled with html and SEO, URL path settings and publishing options. My time is spent on updates and order processing, inventory upload files and shipping quotes. Above all, I keep in touch with books. Books and bookselling are still what I do.

There's been knitting. Free-range knitting. Dabbling. I finished my Saroyan weeks ago (Sundara Fingering Merino Cashmere). I'm working on a couple of pairs of socks, a little shawl experiment, and a few other things. It keeps me sane.

I've also been reading. This should not be remarkable, but it is. My reading mojo has been non-existent for a very, very long time. Tolstoy and the Purple Chair is a beautiful memoir by Nina Sankovitch. It's about her year of reading — a book a day, for 365 days — after the death of her sister. In an article in the New York Times, she said she was seeking answers about "how to live with sorrow and how to find my place in the world." I think I knew that books can provide those answers, but I didn't go to them. Nina Sankovitch's wonderful book has begun to lead me back. I'm reading one of the books on her list now: How to Paint a Dead Man by Sarah Hall.

Maybe reading is keeping me sane, too.

❧ Rosemary... Rosemary is a furry firecracker. She is fond of stuffed mousies, especially when they need to be attacked at the foot of the bed in the middle of the night. She doesn't keep me sane, but she makes life interesting.

Rosemaryness

2011-06-26T17:59:00.002-04:00


Can I come out there?

I'll be good, I promise.

Really.

Wait. Are you serious?

Forget it, then. I'm leaving.

Life is so much better with Rosemary in it. She is a delight, every single day.

And sock yarn that's as green as the summer trees is delightful, too!

Found

2011-06-08T18:59:00.002-04:00

Her name is Rosemary, and a few days ago she found the hole in my heart and stitched it up.

We're just getting to know each other, we two, but I know this: a cat who places her paw in your hand, ever so gently, and lets it rest there — that cat is your cat, and you are her person.

Rosemary came to me — along with her sweet name — from ARF, one of our local rescue organizations. Annabelle was an ARFan, too.

I do knit, and I do have pictures, but I will save them for next time. I've been completely consumed by Rosemary, of course, but also by a monumental project at work. I rarely write about my job (I try not to), but I'm in charge of our new website, and I've been busy putting it together. It launched yesterday and I'm pretty pleased with it. Go take a look when you have a minute.

This Sunday I'll be at SBUMC Cancer Center to celebrate National Cancer Survivor's Day, and I'll be at a special breakfast for those of us who are participating in clinical trials. I'm so happy to be here, three years after my diagnosis of uterine cancer, and so honored to be helping find better treatment for my sisters who will be diagnosed in the future. All the research money in the world (and all the pink stuff we're encouraged to buy) won't get rid of cancer without patients and doctors participating in clinical trials. Just sayin'.

Where I'll be

2011-05-08T17:02:00.000-04:00

This is my birthday furniture, and it's my new favorite place to be. When the oak pollen has finished making my life difficult, I'll sit here with my knitting and a big glass of iced tea. There will be flowers, and maybe a little table.

The chair was a gift from my friend Judy, the ottoman was from my sister Ellen, and the pillow was stitched by my sister Sarah. There are also plants from the Remarkable R's. Their brilliant gift coordination helped turn my little deck at the top of the stairs into a wonderful place to relax and enjoy the summer!

Two birthdays

2011-04-28T07:12:00.001-04:00

Sunset • Long Beach • Sag Harbor • 4/24/11

The first is the one my mother gave me, fifty-six years ago today. The second is the one made possible by Dr. Pearl, some very powerful medicine, and my own perseverance: two years of No Cancer. My birthdays share the same week, and almost the same day, so it makes sense that I've spent this week pondering.

I've been thinking about my mom, and all the birthdays she made so special for me, and for my whole family. Her cakes are legendary. I asked Judy to make me a lemon cake for my birthday dinner on Sunday, and she did, and it was amazing. There was also a BookHampton cake on Monday, with candles and everything. I'm so fortunate to have good friends who are also my family.

I've been thinking about Dr. Pearl, too, and all the people who made my second birthday possible. I'm grateful and lucky and still in awe of his artful doctoring (with a nod to my own fortitude). I've said it before, but it bears repeating: his art and my magic are a powerful combination.

I want to celebrate my two birthdays for years and years to come, so I promise myself that I will wake up every morning and make my life better — somehow, in some small way. Happy birthdays to me.

Not my cat

2011-04-20T16:51:00.000-04:00

I'm looking after Robbie this week, while my landlords are away. He is exceptionally cute and squishy and silly. He spends his time waiting for voles, or lounging on the deck, or peering in my door. When he visits he is a gentleman, polite and not too nosy.

Robbie has also opened my eyes: I need a cat. I miss warm fur. I miss having a little soul to care for and talk to. I miss purrs and mews. I miss having a creature winding around my feet as I work in the kitchen. I miss having a reason to go home, and I miss the love. Soon, soon.

Soon.

Third time's the charm

2011-04-17T17:44:00.000-04:00

When it was time to cast off the last stitch of my third Multnomah, I knew I was ready to move on. I love this pattern, though, and I know I'll make it again. And knitting with the beautiful Spirit Trail Nona — a blend of merino wool, cashmere, and bombyx silk — was like a dream. The color is a special one that Jen dyed just for me.

Today has been lovely and warm —a day to spend time in the sun — but I almost wish it was chilly enough to wrap this little shawl around my neck!

Sometimes old knitting comes back into your life. Sometimes it's welcome, sometimes it's something you hoped you'd never see again. This blanket fits into the first category. I made it for my niece, so long ago that I don't remember when. I recognize some of the yarn, but not all. It needed some repair, because it turns out that she loves it and uses it every day, so she brought it to me when we were together last month.

See the leaf in the middle? I knit two, one for the front and one for the back. I positioned them over the hole, which was pretty shredded, and sewed them together. I think it works! I mailed it to her the other day, and I can't wait to hear what she thinks.

I've moved on to other projects — right now it's a simple ribbed hat for a gift, using some Bijou Spun Himalayan Trail, which is yak and a little merino. Then I might get back to my cardigan. Or not. Whatever I have on the needles, it's keeping me sane.

Repetitive

2011-04-10T11:27:00.004-04:00

String Theory Caper Sock "Oban"

At first, I was going to make just one Multnomah. I needed to knit something that was simple, soothing, and that made sense. Most of all, it had to help me as Annabelle was leaving. I knit and knit, with my little cat by my side. Before long it was finished, and it helped dry my tears.

Sundara Sock "Through the Woods"

Then I needed travel knitting as I went to see my mom, so I worked on some Hedgerow socks for my friend Reya. I'm still working on them. Somewhere in there I worked on an Allegan Cardigan from The Knitter's Book of Wool, but that's another story.

Sundara FSM "Beach Pebbles"

And then... I didn't know what to do when my mother died. One day, when my sisters and I were discussing ways we could "represent" our mom at the memorial service, we talked about her favorite colors. She loved blues and purples and the color that Crayola calls Periwinkle. We decided to wear a color that Gig would like, so it came to me — another Multnomah. I had the right yarn (it was already being made into this, but I frogged it without hesitation) and I had enough time (about ten days).

I loved every minute that I spent knitting. Again, it soothed me, gave me focus, and helped me to feel like I was doing something. On the day of the memorial, it felt so good to wear the little shawl that I'd made, along with my mother's pearl necklace.

I'm very grateful for Sundara and her artful colors. More than once — many times — she has created a color that becomes part of my story. My mother would have loved this Beach Pebbles Multnomah, too.

What am I working on now? I needed a project to take with me on my journey to the service and the wonderful visit I had with my family. It begins with an M and ends with an H...

Losses

2011-04-06T11:30:00.000-04:00

Annabelle (1996-2011)

Cat Ghosts

Years after

in a kitchen of another country

you're still hungry

In the heat of the day

your shadow comes back

to lie on your stone

— W. S. Merwin

Gloria Cochran (1924-2011) in 1983, laughing

My mother lived a long and, I think, rewarding life. I always knew she loved me with all her heart, as she did all her family: children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and many others. In fact, we were her heart.

The last time I saw her, just a couple of weeks before she passed away on March 9th, she looked into my eyes, smiled, and poured all that love right back into my heart.

I am missing my little Annabelle, and we are missing our dear Gig.

(Silent) Poetry Reading 2011

2011-02-02T09:39:00.000-05:00

Don't Hesitate

Mary Oliver

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
don't hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty
of lives and whole towns destroyed or about
to be. We are not wise, and not very often
kind. And much can never be redeemed.
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
something happens better than all the riches
or power in the world. It could be anything,
but very likely you notice it in the instant
when love begins. Anyway, that's often the
case. Anyway, whatever it is, don't be afraid
of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.

This poem is in the collection Swan (Beacon Press, 2010). With thanks, as always, to Reya and with a nod to the 6th Annual Brigid Poetry Festival.

Too much

2011-01-23T16:42:00.000-05:00

Hydrangea Neck Warmer in Gobi

Too much winter makes me cranky. Snow on snow, colder and colder. The days may be growing longer, but they just begin to feel endless. A cold has kept me home for a couple of days, though, and I've been knitting and making soup and trying to pull myself out of the pit I seem to be in. I think I see the way out, but I still have a climb ahead of me.

Simple Baktus in Cormo/Mohair

Watching Annabelle as she fades is hard, but I don't really realize it until something in her behavior changes. She likes the idea of eating more than her body wants food. I open a fresh can, offering her whatever she wants, just in case she does want to eat. She peers at it, sometimes taking a bite, sometimes not. She knows best, and I'm trying to listen to her.

Of course I don't want her to go, but I am determined not to keep her here longer than she needs to be. I don't want to think about daily life without my little sentinel, but I must. I've accompanied many beloved pets to the end of their lives, and yet I don't feel prepared for it now. I look at Annabelle and think that I'm so grateful to her, to this little soul more than any other, for watching over me when I was sick.

This little buff tabby has been a good lesson for me, with her affectionate distance and obvious sense of her own self. She's always been this way; the minute I saw her contemplating me from across the room in the ARF adoption center, I knew she had been sent to me.

Until it's time for her to go, I'll be keeping her as close as she will allow, and listening.

Drifting back

2011-01-12T17:33:00.001-05:00

I'm still here!

Nothing monumental has kept me away from the blog. I drifted away; I don't know what else to call it. I've heard from many friends — little notes with worry attached to them, hesitant questions about my absence and my health — and I want to tell you all how dear you are, and how sorry I am to have concerned you.

I'm also a little sorry that lately most of my (spotty) contact with my friends and my family has been through Facebook, because not everyone uses it, and it certainly doesn't replace the blog, or an email, or a call. I want to remedy that.

My life has been occupied with realities, and I suppose they have been enough to have changed my focus and drawn me away from the small bits of writing that I've always done, both here and privately.

My health has been one reality — but it's "just" the chronic lymphedema that is one of the souvenirs of my cancer treatment (my lymphatic system in my legs doesn't function properly any more). I spent a couple of months going for treatment at a Wound Care Center for an infection in one leg, then at Christmas I developed another infection in my other leg. I've made progress, but still, I have to learn how to live with and manage this condition, because I can't function when it's taking over my daily life. That, and I'd like to be able to take a walk.

Another reality — which I've spoken of on Facebook — is that my dear cat Annabelle is seriously ill. At Thanksgiving the vet diagnosed an inoperable tumor in her small intestine, and since then I've been giving and getting all the love I can, and waiting for the time when her little self lets me know she needs to leave. Right this minute, she's purring in her usual place, under the lamp on my desk. She spends her days eating a little, sleeping a lot, and reminding me that she's in charge around here. I'm going to miss her so.

Since having to spend so much time with my feet up, I've been doing a lot of knitting. I made some beautiful Christmas gifts, but did I photograph them? Of course not! There was: a Porom tam in Foxfire Fibers Cormo/Silk/Alpaca, a Honey Cowl in Sundara DK, two Hydrangea Neckwarmers in Spirit Trail Berte and Foxfire Cormo/Silk/Alpaca, a pair of Foxglove mitts in Berrocco Blackstone Tweed, and some silly coffee cup cozies for my coworkers in miscellaneous leftover yarns. I did take a picture of the sock yarn /lavender sachets, though.

So here I am. It's a new year, and the days are already growing longer. I hope I can be present here more often. I've missed it, and I've missed you. ♥

Just like today

2010-09-29T16:37:00.001-04:00

Errands, Long Beach, housekeeping, knitting.

Just a typical day off, nothing special. Ho-hum.

I'd like all my days off to be days like today, please!

Random things that are rattling around in my head:

Rhinebeck is just over three weeks away! Road trip with the girls!
I have started doing some Christmas knitting and shopping, which is not at all like me.
Yesterday's Ten on Tuesday was a wake-up call. What is sour milk doing taking up space in my fridge? And more important, why did I tell the world about it?
There's a little house that I pass on my way to Sag Harbor that I have dreamed about living in since I moved here in 1993. It's tucked under the trees, right on Noyac Road. Why doesn't anyone live there? What is its story? Today I went as far as deciding that a few trees would need to come down so there would be more light inside. Edited to add: This is the house on Google Street View. Isn't it darling?
Days off should last longer than 24 hours, especially if they are days like today.

Ten on Tuesday: Chilled

2010-09-28T20:28:00.000-04:00

Ten Things in My Refrigerator Right Now:

Skim milk. I actually like skim milk.
Sour skim milk. I might like it, but I forget to drink it before the expiration date, and then I forget to throw it away.
Apples. I love this time of year, when the apples are fresh and sometimes even local.
Simply Limeade, which has become a staple in my fridge. One of these days I'll switch to something else, but right now it's all limeade all the time. I mix just a little into a glass of seltzer and I'm good.
Yogurt. Usually Greek style, but at the moment it's Stonyfield Farms Blueberry.
Leftover oven-roasted summer squash. It's tomorrow's dinner, over brown rice.
Extra-sharp cheddar cheese. Just a little, because otherwise I'd eat it all up!
Salad fixings: lettuce, tomatoes, vinaigrette, etc.
Half and half, just for my coffee.
Peanut butter. The natural kind that doesn't contain anything but ground peanuts.

All this food talk would make me hungry, but I just ate one of those apples.

Embracing opportunity

2010-09-26T16:32:00.001-04:00

Summer's last flower

Time is flying! Summer ended this week, and I realized that I'm ready for a new start, a new season, new, new, new. Summer exhausts me, but Autumn energizes me. Time flies, but it is ripe for change, and (in my head, at least) I'm ready to embrace new things.

One thing I'm doing has until now been out of my comfort zone. At the gentle urging of one of my customers, I went to the monthly meeting of a new group — The Coalition for Women's Cancers at Southampton Hospital. It's a big name for a small but growing group of women who have or had or care about any cancers that affect women, not just breast cancer. I'm looking forward to being a part of this new community.

The CWC is having its first fundraiser this Thursday, and I've spent part of the weekend putting together some knitted things to donate to the raffle. A pair of Hedgerow socks, my Busy Bee and Baktus scarves, and something I whipped up yesterday:

They're a pair of Maine Morning Mitts in some vintage Sundara Worsted (Briar Rose, picked up at the KR Retreat Stash Lounge a couple of years ago — thanks, Rosi!). Mitts always look so silly when they aren't filled with hands, don't they? Sort of like pantyhose without legs.

My monumental achievement for the weekend, though, was the finishing, washing, and blocking of my Arabian Nights sweater. To accomplish this I had to do two things that those who know my house and housekeeping "skills" will laugh at: wash all the dishes that were marinating in the sink so I could soak the sweater, and clear off my counter so I could arrange it there to dry. It's almost dry (I'm waiting on the sleeves) and then I can wear it and get somebody to take a picture and everything!

Summer's last waves

P. S. Our customer M, who I wrote about in February, died on September 10th. His wife told us that one of the last things he did was go to the beach, just a couple of days before he died. He'd been in the store many times during the summer, still reading, still exploring. I'll always remember our small, quiet conversations which helped me get through my own treatment, and I'm grateful to have shared a little of his journey with him. Rest well, Mike, and thank you.

Ten on Tuesday: Happy Birthday

2010-09-21T13:13:00.000-04:00


Shadows one moment...

It's always somebody's birthday! In fact, this evening I'm heading over to Judy's house to help celebrate her mother's 96th birthday. Louise is my Other Mother, and I can't wait to give her a hug and a kiss, and the little box of rugalach I just picked up at the Blue Duck Bakery.

But ten ways to have a happy birthday? I tried, but I just can't improve on Carole's list. After all, it is her birthday today!

...and shadows the next.

Happy Birthday everyone, whenever it is!

Magic

2010-09-09T15:31:00.002-04:00

Life is just a bowl of cherry tomatoes.

Two years ago this week I began chemotherapy, and this morning I had my sixth post-treatment checkup with Dr. Pearl. My exam and test results were so encouraging that we were both smiling, happy, laughing. We have done an excellent job.

I’m always anxious in the weeks leading up to each visit. First, about a week before my appointment, I must go in for my blood test. I have routines for this ten-minute non-event — small rituals, really — that I’m sure will make everything all right. They include predicting how low the number will go (this time I decided on 12, and I was spot on). Then I wait. Sometimes ~~Fairy Godmother~~ Nurse Sylvia has a chance to call me with the results before my appointment, sometimes not.

When the day arrives — always a Thursday — there are more routines and rituals. Leave at a certain time, wear my good-luck earrings, listen to happy music in the car, park in my favorite spot at the Cancer Center. If I practice this magic, then all will be well. Moment by moment, I settle in. Breathe deeply, relax while the blood pressure is being taken, get comfortable while I wait for Dr. Pearl.

All I am doing is preparing myself. I must be prepared. No matter how much time passes, no matter how well I feel or how good my blood test is, I must be prepared. I know the percentages for my case. I know what all the chances are, and what the time frame is, too. I’m not watching the calendar, but I'm aware of it. I understand my odds, and in order to thwart them, I must be prepared, and I must practice these small bits of magic.

What Dr. Pearl does is practice his own art. He is, I think, spectacularly capable of creating the treatment plan that will, along with my participation, make me healthy. I see him only every few months, but each time I do, I’m reminded of just how blessed I am to be in his care. His art and my magic are a powerful combination.

When the appointment is over, when he has congratulated me, and I have thanked him, I take my time getting dressed. I need time; I have time. I make my next appointment, and it will be in the future, and the nurse smiles, because I know she knows that I am thinking, “Wow, the future.”

The final ritual in this cycle isn’t magic, but it’s necessary. I go to my car, get in and close the door, and have a little cry. Then I give myself a pat on the back, and go forward.

Or maybe it's a loaf of cherry bread.

Ten on Tuesday: Summer's End

2010-09-07T20:30:00.001-04:00

This week's ToT topic is "Ten Things to Do Before the End of Summer." For me, summer just ended. Labor Day weekend was it. Though on this half of the planet summer will last for a couple more weeks, my long, stressful season has passed. My thoughts are happily turning to the next one. Here's my list of some things I'd like to do:

Go to the ocean while the water and the sun are still warm. I can do that now that beach permits aren't needed and the crowds are gone. September is the best-kept secret about the East End of Long Island!
Clean. There are neglected corners in my apartment — at least four of them!
Sort the yarn stash. The Knitter's Review Retreat will be here before I know it, and I want to do a serious assessment of my yarn and fiber so I can take some worthy skeins to the Stash Lounge.
Take the big down comforter outside for some air while the days are still long enough, and before I need to get under it in a cold snap.
Once and for all, take the bags of unused clothes (that I sorted months ago!) to the donation drop-off.
Go out to dinner. At a restaurant. With other people. This is something I never have time to do in the summer, and all the restaurants are too crowded, anyway. I have a date with Judy and the R's this week, as a matter of fact!
Take the car to get an oil change and a check-up. It's time.
Speaking of check-ups, make an appointment for my annual mammogram. Have you had yours?
Relax and enjoy the turning of the season. I love the way fall arrives a little abruptly here. One day it will be warm and muggy, and the next it will be crisp and the leaves will have turned.
Open the sock drawer and see if there are any sad pairs that should be retired from the rotation. If there are, think about knitting more! — after all, the real name of the next season is Knitting Season!

Ten on Tuesday: Mood Lifters

2010-08-31T18:29:00.000-04:00

This week's Ten on Tuesday is all about lightening your mood...

1. Buy yourself a nice bouquet of flowers.

2. Get a little love from the cat. Even if she won't let you pick her up and give her a squeeze, she loves you.

3. Have some comfort food. One of my favorites is a nice bowl of Cream of Wheat, because my grandmother used to make it for us.

4. Enjoy a sunset by the water.

5. Watch a favorite movie. I like Meet Me in St. Louis, even when it's not Christmas time.

6. Listen to some good music that makes you smile. For me, that's The Weepies.

7. Rest. Don't climb into bed and never leave, just close your eyes for a little while. When I was sick I learned how to rest, and it's served me well. Our bodies and spirits need it, especially when we're overwhelmed or blue.

8. Look up.

9. Have a knitting-in-your-pajamas day.

10. Celebrate yourself. Don't ever forget to do that. ♥

Ten on Tuesday: College

2010-08-24T06:44:00.000-04:00

Ten Things I'd Like to Have Known When I Started College

I went off to Moore College of Art in Philadelphia in September of 1972. Thirty-eight years ago. When I think of it that way, it feels like a long, long time ago! Looking back, I'd like to have known...

... that homesickness was temporary. I wasn't sure I could make it to Thanksgiving.
... that I could have brought more stuff with me. I had two cardboard boxes, a suitcase, and my quilt.
... that I wasn't going to be the only person who felt like a fish out of water.
... that studying art all the time was not the same as being one of the good students in Mr. Motovich's art class in high school.
... that I could have switched majors and it wouldn't have been a crisis. To this day, I think a Textile degree would suit me better than an Art Ed degree.
... that I was strong, stronger than I gave myself credit for.
... that I really was creative and artistic, and that I could believe in that.
... that I was attending a women's art school in a time near the beginning of the women's movement, and that I would be taught by many amazing women artists. I would have asked a lot more questions, and paid a lot closer attention.
... that you can never have too many art supplies. Just as in knitting, the right tools are everything. And I would have liked to own a set of Dr. Ph Martin's Concentrated Watercolors.
... that I would be assigned a roommate who would become my best friend, and I mean best friend forever. I would have been more myself, sooner (who knows, that could have backfired on me). By now, thirty-eight years later, Judy and I know each other well enough, I think.

Fiddling

2010-08-15T16:33:00.000-04:00

It's in the air. I can feel it — summer is winding down. In just a few weeks it will be over. Are you sad? I'm not, much.

Because my job is so stressful during the summer, I always try to make a survival plan, but I rarely manage to carry it out. This year, though, I think it's working. I've been putting my feet up, getting plenty of sleep, and eating healthy summery foods. I've tried to keep my work hours on the normal side, and I take frequent breaks (even if I do still grab lunch while I'm working at my desk).

And, boy, have I been knitting! I don't knit every day; sometimes I come home, vegetate, and go to sleep just after dark. Sometimes I knit the evening away, and before I know it, it's past time to go to sleep. I have interesting projects going on, and lots of ideas, so knitting has kept me entertained all season.

After a few false starts and lots of grumbling, I settled on a pattern for my KBOW Woolalong project for this month. The August fiber is Shetland, so I ordered some DK Organic Shetland from Garthenor. I was a little impulsive about my choice, so I had a hard time finding a project that suited the yarn — I'll admit it, I was really cranky for a while on Thursday — but in the end I decided on Nora Gaughan's Here and There Scarf from Scarf Style (please excuse the cloudy day photo). So far, so good!

I also started a Stepping Stones Scarf in the same yarn I used for Herbivore. The leftover yarn was just sitting there, so what else was I supposed to do? I've been wanting to make another one of these for a long time, too. It will make a nice birthday/Christmas present for a friend.

I upgraded my blog's design this morning (you know, just because I thought it would be fun to spend a few hours tweaking CSS colors and bits of HTML code). I like it, but of course I'll find more to fiddle with.

To make myself step away from the computer when I'd finished (but was still waffling on a few unimportant issues), I went into the kitchen and fiddled with a blueberry drop biscuit recipe. They turned out well. Baking with blueberries seems to be another part of my summer survival plan!

Ten on Tuesday: Bacon?

2010-08-10T06:00:00.003-04:00

Ten Reasons to Love Bacon

It's salty.
It's crispy (at least that's the way I like it).
Bacon goes with eggs, and I love eggs.
It smells soooo good when it's cooking.
BLT's aren't possible without it.
Neither is Cobb salad.
They serve it at the Eveready Diner in Hyde Park, on the way to Rhinebeck.
If I'm going to eat meat, I may as well enjoy some bacon.
Since I don't eat bacon very often, when I do, it's a special occasion.
Where would this Ten on Tuesday be without bacon?

Ten on Tuesday: Road trip!

2010-08-03T05:45:00.003-04:00

This week's Ten on Tuesday topic is "Ten Things to Take on Vacation." Vacation? I've almost forgotten what one is! No, not really, but my time off never happens at a "traditional" time of year, like Summer or Thanksgiving or Christmas. That's when I'm busiest at the bookstore. So I take my days when I can grab a few, usually in the Fall or early Spring.

I love a good road trip. What do I pack?

Knitting. An easy-peasy project, plus one that requires a little more attention. And maybe one more, just in case.
My iPod and iPhone. There are always a few audiobooks on mine, along with my music.
A book to read, not just listen to. And a book of crossword puzzles to help me fall asleep at night.
The basics, like my toothbrush and toothpaste, and enough underwear.
My own pillow, if possible. If I'm staying in a hotel, the pillows are not always comfy enough.
My laptop. I like being connected. I just do.
My camera, along with the cord that connects it to the laptop, and a spare battery. I don't want to miss anything.
The GPS that Judy gave me for Christmas after I got lost in The Bronx on the way home from the KR Retreat last year. It's as much for her peace as it is for my peace of mind, since a panicked call to her office that ends up with a coworker giving me turn-by-turn directions to find my way out of there should happen only once.
Warm socks and gloves and an extra sweater. If I'm driving, what's an extra tote bag or two? I want to be warm enough. And if I get lost in The Bronx again, I won't freeze.
A little bag of trail mix, apples, crackers, and stuff like that. And water. See rationale behind #9, above. You just never know.

All grown up

2010-08-01T17:53:00.000-04:00

This is a picture of five of my many nieces, taken in July 1991. I found it stashed in a drawer, and it's been making me smile.

They're all grown up now, in their twenties, and out in the wide world. One even has a family of her own. They're remarkable women, and when I look at this picture I see it in their little-girl faces. I'm proud to be their auntie!

I blocked Herbivore this morning — it's been perfect blocking weather, comfortable and breezy — and it dried in no time.

I think I'll wear this scarf a lot this winter.

The rest of my Sunday off was spent enjoying the weather, knitting on a little baby hat for a friend, and relaxing. The August People have arrived, and it's nothing but full-on intensity at the bookstore from now until Labor Day. I can handle it as long as I have lots of simple knitting at my fingertips. I'm thinking about a Ruffled Baktus...

... Or Hawthorne, from the new issue of Twist, but it might be a bit complicated for this time of year. Plus, I was sure I had the yarn called for in my stash, but I must have been dreaming. Oh well.

Wishing you a week of perfect weather and knitting that never frustrates!

Bouquet

2010-07-28T20:57:00.001-04:00

I found more than fresh vegetables at the farm stand today.

My Wednesday was beautiful, fragrant, and restorative. I hope yours was, too!

Ten on Tuesday: TV-less

2010-07-27T05:45:00.003-04:00

Ten Things to Do Instead of Watching TV:

Knit something complicated.
Knit something not too complicated and listen to an audiobook.
Bake a cake. A blueberry coffee cake, perhaps?
Chat on the phone.
Daydream. How about going back in time to Italy?
Listen to the night creatures through an open window.
Write an email — or even a letter — to a friend.
Take a nap, especially if it's Sunday afternoon.
Read a book, for goodness' sake.
Write a blog post, like this one.

Fruits of Summer

2010-07-25T17:33:00.000-04:00

These are the prettiest apricots I've seen this year. And they're just delicious -- sweet, a little tart, and perfect in every way. They come from Red Jacket Orchards in Geneva, NY; not exactly local, but in the same state, at least.

So, I didn't begin another Baktus. Not this week, at least. This is Stephen West's Herbivore. The yarn is String Theory Selku, which is a 50/50 Merino and Silk blend. The color is called Earthquake. I have a couple of skeins that I got at last year's Knitters Review Retreat, and I don't think this scarf will take more than one. I know, I'll save the other one for a Baktus!

Waving

2010-07-21T17:50:00.000-04:00

It's been a typical summer day. Blue sky, waves of heat, cicadas singing. It rained a little bit, and there was a thunderstorm somewhere, but most of the day has been just like this. I was on my way to the farm stand on the back road to get some blueberries, and the fields of corn were so beautiful that I had to stop. Though there wasn't any place to take a photo from a higher vantage point, I can tell you that I think there's something perfectly wonderful about a corn field, spreading out across acres, tassels waving in the breeze.

In another part of my world, today has not been typical. Barry Fraser, a blog friend and a wonderful writer, died yesterday. Reya has written a beautiful post (thank you, Sister), and others have as well, so I'll let their words speak for me. I'm deeply grateful to have encountered Barry when I was on my own cancer journey, and I'm also grateful to be one of the fortunate ones. I'll be here to wave him into the next world. I just hope that my life and the way I live it honors him in some small way.

Ten on Tuesday: Camping

2010-07-20T06:02:00.000-04:00

Ten Things to Bring on a Camping Trip:

That's easy. 1-10.:A hotel room.

The last time I went camping was when I was eleven, and my mother (the Girl Scout leader) made me camp out in our back yard with the troop for the weekend, I think so she could convince me of the joys of being a Girl Scout. It didn't work. I don't remember much (it was 44 years ago), but I do remember wanting to go inside to read the Sunday comics, and she said No. The whole thing was weird, anyway, because we were so completely not an outdoorsy/camping kind of family in the first place. I'll bet my mom felt like an alien, out there in the wilds of Bethesda, thirty yards from the house.

Make cake

2010-07-18T18:09:00.001-04:00

It was a long week. Summers are like this. If I think I'm busy enough, it gets busier. Just when I think I have a handle on it, I need to hang on tighter. The store is busier every day (as it should be) and we had a pretty big event yesterday (the bookstore hosted Jill Zarin, who is a local resident and author, as well as one of the Real Housewives of New York City), so I really needed to relax today.

So what did I do? Made cake! It's a delicious and simple Blueberry Coffee Cake from my ancient (1951) copy of the Woman's Home Companion Cook Book. My mother and grandmother did a lot of their cooking using this book — most of our family birthday cakes began with the Take It Easy Two-Egg Cake —and the splotchy pages show it. A little bit of baking makes me happy, and that's a good way to end the week.

While I was relaxing, I finished my latest Baktus. It's so soft and silky, and it drapes and folds just right.

I can't wait to block it, wrap it up, and send it on its way! And since it's off the needles, can I start another one? All this garter stitch seems to be keeping my brain from melting.

Ironing

2010-07-14T20:58:00.000-04:00

I just ironed all my clean shirts. I hadn't planned to. I was knitting my Baktus (almost finished!) when the idea possessed me: "Iron your shirts."

Now, for a few days at least, I won't have to iron one when I'm in a hurry to get ready in the morning.

I feel like I should check the mirror to make sure I'm still me.

Ten on Tuesday: Where I Live

2010-07-13T06:10:00.003-04:00

Ten things I like about where I live:

1. My little home.

2. The beach at the ocean.

3. The beach on the bay.

4. Small-town-ness.

5. Friends nearby.

6. Local berries.

7. Big sky.

8. Beautiful light.

9. Inspiration.

10. All the seasons.

Muffins, like life

2010-07-11T17:07:00.001-04:00

I want to make muffins, so I make muffins. I'm not too bad at making muffins. But I am too casual about the recipe, too often in a hurry to get them in the oven, so they are rarely great muffins.

I would like to pay attention as I measure and mix: level off the measuring cup, stir just enough but not too much (this, at least, I am good at), and end up with the same amount of batter in every cup.

This morning I decided to use a different recipe for blueberry muffins, and I was haphazard: when I was mixing, I didn’t have almond extract, only vanilla; no whole milk, only half & half and skim; not quite two cups of berries, but close. And after they’d been baking for about ten minutes, I noticed that I had set the oven at 450º instead of 400º.

The result: I took the muffins out of the oven after about twelve minutes. One pan has black bottoms, one is fine, and the one that had the least-full cups is just okay. They taste good, though. They’re cakey muffins, nicely risen, and golden brown on top. I'm satisfied.

Anyway, it occurred to me that I seem to live my life the way I make muffins. And I suppose that if my life is as good as those blueberry muffins, that's fine with me.

As for my iced tea and limeade mixture, though, it is great.

Hot

2010-07-07T16:39:00.001-04:00

They say the heat is going to break a little tonight. Right now, it's just hot.

Long Beach was still, hazy, and — well — hot. A little breeze teased my hair as I sat there, but it wasn't something I could call cool. I've spent most of my day off indoors, where I can be cool, and where I can knit on that Baktus while sipping some icy limeade and tea. Honestly, it's the only thing to do!

Ten on Tuesday: Again!

2010-07-06T05:30:00.002-04:00

Ten Ways to Enjoy Summer
1.   To a tall glass filled with ice, add limeade and cold green tea. Sip.
2.   Get your feet wet in the sprinkler.
3.   Watch a parade.

4. Eat lots of local blueberries/peaches/tomatoes/corn.
5. Find a place by the water to sit and daydream.

6.   Drive the back roads with the windows down and listen to good, loud music.
7.   Knit in the evening, while the sun is setting and the day is winding down.
8.   Get up early in the morning, make some good strong coffee, and listen as the world wakes up.
9.   Let your hair dry while you stand in front of the fan.
10. Always wear sunscreen (also known as: One Way to Enjoy Many Summers to Come).

Thank you, Carole!

Next time

2010-07-04T15:55:00.000-04:00

I knew I would start another Baktus, but it took me a few days to decide on the yarn. This is Sundara Fingering Silky Merino in "Slow Sunset," which was a gift to me when I was sick, and I've been saving it for the right project. I think I'm making this one for someone I've been missing lately, and I hope she'll like it.

Since I had to start over last time, this time I remembered to measure the yarn first, and divide it in half. The label says the skein is 500 yards, but I wound almost 650 -- I know Sundara is generous, with her yardage and many other things, but wow! -- and I'm so pleased that now I can knit and knit and knit until I'm done.

I'm staying close to home today, something I must do on my days off if I'm going to make it through the summer. This is such a busy, important time at work; it always is, every year. But I wish I could jump in the car and go to Judy's house. I wish I had made a plan. I wish I weren't so tired, and that I didn't feel like I have to rest first and put fun second. Next time, next summer, I'll add it to the schedule.

Today, though, I'll cheer up about having a day to put my feet up and rest, drink iced green tea with limeade, and knit on this beautiful scarf. I'll watch A Capitol Fourth like I always do, and I'll smile as I miss my family and remember all the times we went down to the Mall to watch the fireworks.

(One time our big brother drove us downtown, to the far edge of the Tidal Basin, and we found a place to sit in the deep darkness, under the big trees where the ground was hard and cool under my bare feet. Another time, years later, I sat on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with Judy and Peter. It was the Bicentennial, and everything was bigger that year. Ah, good times!)

I hope your Fourth is capital, too!

Wings

2010-06-30T17:20:00.002-04:00

The sky was simply amazing today, and so was the weather. The heat and humidity were chased away, perhaps by this sky angel. At least that's what I see there — how about you?

I finished my Beaded Turquoise Baktus, and washed it this morning. I love how it turned out, and I'm trying not to start another one right away (I know the end of this story, don't you?). It's all dry and ready to be modeled by my ~~porch finial~~ mannequin.

She's served me faithfully for more than ten years now, so I think she deserves a close-up.

Please don't tell her that her head's a little on the small side.

Ten on Tuesday

2010-06-29T20:20:00.000-04:00

I signed up for Carole's emails so I could think about participating in her lovely Ten on Tuesday blog themes. But the thing is, I don't usually have time to post on Tuesdays. Tuesday is a busy day at work. After work on Tuesday is my getting-over-busy time. But the theme this week is all about books, so how could I resist? Here goes:

Ten Books on My Summer Reading List

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. It's the 50th anniversary of the publication of my favorite, favorite book, so it's time for a re-read. I've already read it dozens of times, but I can always spare a few hours to be with Jem and Scout.
On the nightstand: Sue Miller's The Lake Shore Limited.
Also reading: Simon Van Booy's short story collection The Secret Lives of People in Love.
And: The Girl Who Played with Fire by Steig Larsson. Of course.
I'm listening to Daniel Gilbert read Stumbling on Happiness. He has a wonderful reading voice.
American Music by Jane Mendelsohn. I loved her book I Was Amelia Earhart, which was quite imaginative.
Photoshop Elements 8: The Missing Manual by Barbara Brundage. Enough said.
David Mitchell's The Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet. Like I'll have time.
What a Difference a Dog Makes: Big Lessons on Life, Love, and Healing from a Small Pooch by Dana Jennings, which is being published in November.
Knitting Green by Ann Budd. I just got this the other day, and I'm looking forward to reading and knitting my way through it!

There! I did it!

Warm, calm

2010-06-23T15:50:00.000-04:00

That damselfly (or its cousin) just seems to like hanging around. Fine with me! And if it's waiting on those berries, I think it will be a while.

It's pretty warm today, and it's supposed to be warmer tomorrow. I went to Long Beach and sat on a rock, which I highly recommend. Even on a windy day, it's a peaceful place. Even though the water is so full of energy, I grow calm. And even in the bright mid-day sun, I smile.

Knitting continues on a Revised Baktus. I decided to measure out half the yardage so there won't be a surprise at the end (as in "Surprise! Not enough yarn!"). Then I decided to start over on 3mm needles, up from 2.75mm. That extra .25mm means more scarf, faster.

If anyone is looking for me for the rest of the day, I'll be on the couch, feet up, cool seltzer by my side, and Baktus in my hands.

Watchful

2010-06-21T12:00:00.001-04:00

I'm in good paws.

Sunday

2010-06-20T15:37:00.001-04:00

I have so many knitting projects going on that I felt like I needed permission to start another one, so I called Kris.

After he gave me the obvious answer, it was agreed that this Baktus Scarf in Sundara Sock "Beaded Turquoise" was a sound choice. I'm mixing it up a bit with a purl row every once in a while, but otherwise it's all Baktus.

So that's my Sunday. How's yours?

Almost summertime

2010-06-13T16:04:00.000-04:00

A little damselfly paid my hat a visit!

I was sitting there last night, about to begin to knit on a sock, when I heard some yarn talking to me. It was Catskill Merino, which Clara at Knitter's Review wrote about a few weeks ago, and which had arrived on my doorstep "by accident." I listened carefully as the yarn -- a soft, plump worsted weight singles dyed with indigo -- asked to be knit into something right away. So I cast on a Honeycomb Hat from The Knitter's Book of Yarn.

Still there!

By this morning it was off the needles, so I washed it and set it out on my little deck to dry. I love this yarn! It's not a true single, because up close you can see that two strands have been twisted together, but it behaves like a single, and I'm sure that it will pill with abrasion. It's just right for a soft, warm hat. I've made one of these before, and it's my favorite hat to wear.

A few days ago Annabelle ventured down the stairs, but something across the driveway made her turn around just after I took the picture. From this angle her rear end doesn't look too ample, so she said I could post this. She's very careful about such things, you know. She rarely goes outside; she wants to, but she doesn't like to, so every once in a while I let her try it. She lasts about three minutes, on average, which is just fine with me.

In another "right in my own back yard" moment, about ten days ago I took this picture of a pale pink peony. I like what the Hipstamatic iPhone app does with color. It looks so old.

Ten days? What have I been doing? Working. The store move is complete, except for a couple of shelves that are still being built, and we're about to enter the real Summer Season. In any spare time, I've been resting up and knitting.

I had been plugging away on this pair of Celebrate Spring socks in Sundara Sock Sage over Butter, but the second one is on time-out. This one just doesn't fit right (I think it's the unforgiving rows of purl stitches that go right over the biggest part of my big ankle), and I'll need to think about it before I proceed.

I still have socks going on, though. My friend Kristopher and I are having a little Summertime Sock Knitalong, just the two of us. We decided on a pattern (Anne Hanson's excellent Dolomite Socks), made a "rule" that we had to cast on with a yarn in our stash that we haven't used before (that's easy, but it meant No Sundara for me), and off we went. My yarn is Frija from Spirit Trail, and Kris is working with Briar Rose Grandma's Blessing. This pattern is nice and stretchy, and easy to memorize. The yarn is lovely -- it's merino, cashmere and a little bit of nylon.

Knitting will keep me going all through the summer, as it always does. There have also been quarts and quarts of local strawberries, my other early summer salvation. I froze most of them for later -- smoothies in August!

I've been trying to reclaim my reading mojo, which left a couple of months ago (distressing, when you sell books for a living). I'm reading Simon Van Booy's short story collection, The Secret Lives of People in Love. He's brilliant -- his stories really are like poems, as Roger Rosenblatt is quoted on Simon's website. He's also a frequent visitor to the bookstore (as is Roger; we're so lucky!), and he's coming to read and sign books this Saturday. Stop by if you're in the neighborhood -- 5:00pm on Saturday the 19th.

The hat should be dry by now, and my socks are calling. Another Sunday off is coming to a close, so I want to make the most of what's left.

Right in my own back yard

2010-05-26T18:22:00.001-04:00

I forgot to bring my "real" camera with me when I went out in the world today. It was a spectacular day. Bright, warm, breezy, and full of life. I took some iPhone photos of stuff in the back yard, though. There's a pot of pretty chrysanthemums at the turn of my little walkway.

And this is a sort of scraggly peony bush, but the petals are still rich and velvety.

The little irises are starting to bloom. They get a lot of sun, really they do.

My primary mission today was to take these packages to the post office and send them on their way. My secondary mission was to stock up on provisions. The Summer People will be arriving for the holiday weekend, and I need to be prepared to go from home to work and back home with as little extra interaction with them as possible. That includes standing in line at the market as they order five pounds of lobster salad while speaking to the nanny on the cell phone, when all I want is a piece of chicken or a quart of milk.

I'm being too harsh. Actually, I look forward to the excitement, and the favorite customers I haven't seen since last year, and the boost that we all get from the presence of so many people. I'll grumble about rudeness, disrespect, and lack of basic manners when the weekend is over and my rose-colored glasses are all scratched and wonky!

Moving (not far)

2010-05-23T15:37:00.000-04:00

I went missing again, but it was for good reason. I was buried under a mountain of books! In the time since I last posted -- on my birthday -- the bookstore that I manage decided to move, closed, packed, moved, and reopened. "Nothing short of a miracle," says our general manager. I agree. Who in their right mind would or could move an entire store, start to finish, in such a short time? Well, I'm not sure we're in our right minds, but we did it, and we did it well.

Granted, we just moved next door; but it was a monumental, physically draining, emotionally stressful three weeks. I'm proud of all of us who made it happen. Our new space is light, airy, clean, beautifully renovated -- and it has hot water. We gave up the creaky wooden floors, so loved by our customers, but I'll take hot water over creaky wooden floors any day.

There's even more moving going on -- I moved the blog to my own domain. I feel like such a grown-up! If you arrived here via notplainjane.blogspot.com, you'll notice that you've been redirected to not-plain-jane.com. At least I hope that people will end up here... I'm not quite sure what happens to the feed.

Just to be on the safe side, please update your feed reader to

http://www.not-plain-jane.com

(and when I publish this, we'll see what happens).

I've been trying to maintain at least a little of my knitting mojo in these weeks. This is my version of Evelyn Clark's Old Shale Shawl, which was first published in the Jan/Feb 2005 Piecework Magazine. I'm knitting with my own handspun -- it's that blend of BFL, cashmere, silk, and merino from Spirit Trail Fiberworks. I decided to knit the shawl in stockinette rather than garter stitch, because this pretty yarn deserves to show off. I'm also leaving out the traditional garter ridges in the classic stitch. I think of this as Feather Without the Fan.

When I began knitting, I knew that I would run out of yarn, and more fiber was already on the way from Jen. I kept knitting all through The Move, and now that life is going to be a little (not a lot, just a little) more sane I'll spin up the rest of what I need. I'm usually distressed at the idea of running out of yarn in the middle of a project; aren't we all? But this time, since I knew from the start, I could spend my little bit of knitting time enjoying myself.

The other thing I'm going to do now that the bookstore is getting back to normal is send out the giveaway prizes! I'd like to offer my sincere apologies to everyone who has been checking their mailbox and wondering what on earth became of that nice yarn, or that big book.

This is what I do when I have a whole day ahead of me, I'm too tired to do anything serious like vacuum, and there are fresh blueberries in the fridge. I love these old muffin pans; they were the ones my grandmother used, and they're probably about sixty years old. I know, that was only 1950. But saying they're sixty makes them seem antique rather than just retro. The muffins are pretty tasty, too. The secret is a little lemon peel, added at the last minute.

This is the life

2010-04-28T20:15:00.001-04:00

Ah, yes...

So here it is: my birthday, time to add up all the responses to my Souvenirs and a Celebration post, and make a donation to the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation and its Women's Cancer Network. The grand total is... 105 comments! THANK YOU! Thank you! I began by wanting to give as much as I could afford, and when I decided to invite you to participate, I had no idea that I would receive so much in return. Your beautiful stories have been such a joy to read. I'm inspired by all of you, and by all the love and life that your words contain.

This has been, for me, a month spent marveling, pondering, and feeling. Cancer is part of my story, and it always will be, but it's a good distance behind me. I still feel the need to carry a little bag of preparedness with me, though, like a first-aid kit. It's packed with the skills cancer gave me, and some spare determination, along with a portion of the wisdom I've gained so far. But this baggage, unlike what I've been lugging around until now, is light. It's there just in case, to reassure me in those moments when I want to glance back over my shoulder.

The road under my feet feels safe, and I'm ready to navigate this new year, and the next, and the next. Whatever is in store, I'm here, and I'm smiling. And I thank you all.

Now for the goodies -- yarn, and beautiful pictures of my landscape --

Two skeins of Sundara Yarns DK Silky Cashmere in "Spring Fresh":

Louise, who commented on 4/5 at 4:34am
(please email me with your address, Louise!)

A skein of Sundara Yarns Fingering Silky Merino in "Marina over Icicles":

Elizabeth, who commented on 4/21 at 5:35pm
(please email me with your address, Elizabeth!)

Two skeins of Spirit Trail Fiberworks Ananke in "Calypso":

Bailey P., who commented on 4/5 at 3:19pm
(please email me with your address, Bailey!)

A skein of Spirit Trail Fiberworks Orihime in "Shoreline":

Ellen, who commented on 4/7 at 6:30pm

A skein of Spirit Trail Fiberworks Sunna in "Garnet":

Luann!, who commented on 4/6 at 1:37pm

A copy of Jake Rajs' book Beyond the Dunes:

Reya! who commented on 4/4 at 6:12pm

I've contacted Ellen, Luann, and Reya -- Reya! -- and I hope Louise, Elizabeth, and BaileyP will see this and get in touch so I can send them their beautiful yarn.

Now that the anniversary has come and gone, and the party is winding down, I think I'll relax, do a little knitting, and keep enjoying this life. Thank you again for making it a wonderful month, a wonderful year, and a happy birthday!

Bounty to share

2010-04-27T06:13:00.000-04:00

I had an email from my friend Jennifer Heverly, who is the genius behind Spirit Trail Fiberworks. She's been following my celebration giveaway and reading all the wonderful comments, and she asked if she could contribute some yarn to the prizes I mentioned the other day. Seriously, how could I say anything but yes and thank you? So here they are -- three of Jen's beautiful new yarn bases, and her description of each:

Left: "Two 147-yard skeins of Ananke in 'Calypso', 100% Bombyx silk, DK weight. The color is really more of a rich, light turquoise blue. I figured two skeins would be enough for a scarf or shawlette, or a fancy hat or mitts..."

Center: "One 430-yard skein of Orihime in 'Shoreline' (this is a brand new yarn, 430 yds per 100g, 80% merino and 20% cashmere). A couple of sample knitters used this for lace and said it was wonderful. The color actually has some bright spring green in it that somehow didn't get into the photo."

Right: "One 350-yard skein of Sunna in 'Garnet' (one of my new favorite colors). It's 75% Superwash merino, 15% cashmere, and 10% Bombyx silk, sort of a heavy fingering weight." I used Sunna for a pair of Hedgerow mitts, and I can vouch for it -- it's just beautiful.

Jen will be at the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival this weekend, May 1st and 2nd. Please visit her booth in the Main Building (A30) if you'd like to snuffle and swoon over a lot of incredible fiber and yarn. And please give her a great big hug from me!

I'll be closing the comments on my Souvenirs and a Celebration post tomorrow, Wednesday, at 7:00pm EDT. Then I'm going to have a little drawing using the nifty random number generator that's part of an app in my phone, and I'll post the winners here.

If you'd like to read some lovely stories, and leave a little story of your own, please take a look. I hope to be able to respond to everyone who has taken the time to share their thoughts and celebrations -- but in the mean time, I hope you all know how much your words mean to me and to everyone who has read them. Many thanks to Margene (of the perfect heart), Chris (of the cats who make Annabelle smile), and Sydney (of the ferrets whose antics rival those of Chris' cats), for sharing my post on their blogs. My world has gotten so much bigger this month!

Sur-prizes

2010-04-21T17:29:00.003-04:00

It's tulip magnolia time...

Even on a hazy day, they're opening...

Today their branches were the perfect place to pose some of the prizes for my Gynecologic Cancer Foundation fundraiser and giveaway...

First are two skeins of Sundara Yarns DK Silky Cashmere (160 yds each, 55% silk & 45% cashmere) in "Spring Fresh," a color Sundara chose for me. This is one of her newer yarns, and it's just beautiful. It would make a soft and warm cowl or scarf.

Next is a skein of Sundara Yarns Fingering Silky Merino (500 yds, 50% silk & 50% merino) in "Marina over Icicles," a yarn that Sundara sent as a little extra prize (Thank you, Sundara!). I'm knitting Anne Hanson's Boxleaf Triangle shawl with FSM, and I have a "collection" in my stash -- I think it's my favorite (after Sock, of course).

And last, though not posed in a tree, is Beyond the Dunes by Jake Rajs. I want to share this book because it captures the beauty of the many landscapes and the extraordinary light that surround and inspire me. To the rest of the world this place is known as "The Hamptons," but to those who live here it's just home, on the East End of Long Island.

To enter the giveaway, leave a comment on my April 4 post by 7:00pm EDT on Wednesday, April 28 (my birthday!). I'll draw three names at random and contact the winners by email.

I hope you'll add yours to the (yay!) 64 responses so far, and that you'll pass the word. With every new comment, I'm revising my idea of what I will be able to give -- upward. I've never been a "cause" person, but this one, of course, means the world to me.

Dr. Pearl, Nurse Sylvia, my friends & family, and all of you, aren't charitable foundations, so one way to spread my gratitude around is to make the biggest donation I can to an organization that does so much for me and for all women. I hope you'll join in my fun!

::-::-::

In the not-work part of my life, I've been spinning like a crazy fool ever since I received some very special fiber from Jen at Spirit Trail Fiberworks. It's Bluefaced Leicester blended with silk, cashmere, and merino. There will be pictures eventually, but at the moment I'm in too deep to want to stop to take one. For now, take a look at the fifth picture down in this blog post. Now you see what I mean, don't you? And excuse me as I publish this and get back to spinning while the light is still good!

Random numbers

2010-04-18T18:58:00.000-04:00

1. Corn muffins with fresh raspberries are a good way to start a Sunday. I keep trying new things in my corn muffins. The pumpkin seed experiment wasn't too successful, but the raspberry one was.

2. The breakfast that included the corn and raspberry muffin was delicious. I have more muffins, for more breakfasts, or whenever the mood strikes.

3. Am I the only person who thinks that a nice stack of towels just out of the dryer is a happy sight? I can't be.

4. Targhee from A Verb for Keeping Warm is also a happy sight. I've spun two ounces of a medium-fine singles -- half of what I have -- and I hope to spin the second batch this week so I can ply them. My plied sample is so bouncy, it's like a rubber band. I'm getting better at spinning on the Reeves, but I'm sure there a few thick and thin spots in the yarn. I don't mind, because I love what I'm doing.

5. Right after I took that picture I turned around to go into the house and dropped the bobbin. It bounced down the long flight of stairs, and all I could do was watch. It's cracked across the whole end. If it had been an Ashford bobbin I'd think, "Oh well, I have about a dozen of them." But this is one of four. I can have it repaired, but I'm also going to be smart and order a few more. They have to be specially made, because of course, Rick Reeves doesn't make wheels any more.

6. I'm still hoping for more comments on my April 4th contest post. Right now there are 58 wonderful responses. The prize yarn should be here in a day or two, and I'll post photos on Wednesday. I've also picked out a beautiful book to give to a random non-knitter.

More comments = a larger donation to the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation = a small step toward better information and more research on women's cancers.

7. The wisteria leaves have begun to grow. Finally! I say the same thing every year, I'm sure. And the oak trees are doing that pollen thing again. I'm actually hoping for a day or two of rain so that some of it might get washed away!

A little more spinning

2010-04-11T19:17:00.000-04:00

I washed my Busy Bee scarf this morning, and I felt very brave. I've never even considered washing handspun in the machine, but this was Superwash Blueface Leicester, so I went ahead and did it. I like the results! It's so soft and has a nice halo, and it kept its shape just like socks do. I wouldn't have chanced it if the scarf were delicate, but this is a sturdy 2x2 rib.

I love it! I think it will go into a box of potential gifts. You never know when a handspun, handknit scarf might be just the ticket.

One of my other accomplishments for the day is this little skein of yarn that I began spinning on Wednesday. It's Wensleydale wool in a color called "Blue Sky Indigo" from A Verb for Keeping Warm. I had two ounces, so my plied skein is just about 100 yards. I'll figure out what to do with such a small amount after it's set and washed. In the mean time, I had a happy time playing with the fiber and my Reeves wheel.

I'm waiting for my order of Targhee top in "The Shore," also from A Verb for Keeping Warm. April is Targhee month in the KBOW Woolalong, and since I seem to be in a spinning mode, I'll go with it. It should arrive tomorrow, so on Wednesday, after I get back from renewing my driver's license, I'm going to spin the rest of the day away. That's the plan, at least!

::-::

Before long, there'll be yarn to post about -- prizes for the end-of-the-month drawing for comments to my Souvenirs and a Celebration post. I have some lovelies to show you! If you haven't commented yet, please do. My donation to GCF grows with every one!

Your comments have been so thoughtful, and they keep me thinking, too. There are all kinds of celebrations, both sweet and bitter. Bitter and sweet make life, I think. We don't get one without the other.

We are going

2010-04-07T17:50:00.002-04:00

As I write, there are forty-four comments on my Sunday post. The stories -- some sweet, some sad -- are all full of heart and love and life. They remind me that we are all on the same road, more or less. All these small messages -- I can't believe how many -- are so powerful. Thank you! My little idea to make a donation to GCF is growing every day, and all I can say is Wow!

These photos are of the ~~Euonymus~~ Pieris japonica (thanks Kris! I should have asked you first!) at Judy's house. I took them on Sunday as I was getting out of the car, even before I went into the house. The big bush just reached out and pulled me across the driveway, into its shade. I love the flowers' waxy pinkness, and their light, sweet scent. I could hear bumblebees buzzing around as I got in closer.

Dana Jennings has written another beautiful article in the New York Times, about life after cancer, and he got me thinking about what lies beyond the anniversaries. The everyday "miracles in a minor key" are what he looks for. And he says "I love who and what I love more deeply than ever." Amen to that!

So -- I hope you'll leave a comment on the Souvenirs and a celebration post, if you haven't yet. I'd love to hear about your anniversaries, or even your "miracles in a minor key." For every comment on the post by April 28th I'll make a donation to the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation, and I'll also be drawing names at random for some beautiful yarn (wait until you see!) and a book or two.

Here are the words to the song in my last post, the ones I sing as I travel through the day (or as I wash the windows, which is what I did today!):

Woyaya by Sol Amarfio and Osibisa
We are going, heaven knows where we are going,
We'll know we're there.
We will get there, heaven knows how we will get there,
We know we will.
It will be hard we know
And the road will be muddy and rough,
But we'll get there, heaven knows how we will get there,
We know we will.
We are going, heaven knows where we are going,
We'll know we're there.

My soundtrack

2010-04-05T06:30:00.004-04:00

"Woyaya" from Art Garfunkel's 1973 album "Angel Clare."

(It's not about the video; it's about the song, which I've loved since, oh, about 1973.)

~:~:~

Help me celebrate my anniversary by commenting on yesterday's post!

Souvenirs and a celebration

2010-04-04T11:25:00.004-04:00

It’s been a year, one whole year since my last chemotherapy treatment. Since any treatment for endometrial cancer. A year since my goal was to make it through the day a step at a time. One year of No Cancer!

This first anniversary weaves itself in and out of my days. I remember what a struggle it was to do anything, from getting out of bed, to doing my job, to knitting. I smile when I think about all the love and care that came from my family and friends, and of all those people I don’t know in real life, too, like some of you. I can still taste saline and heparin and taxol if I think about it.

I can’t help but stop and think about what I was doing, where I was, how I felt at this moment, or on that day a year ago, or a year and a half. And I think about it this way: I’m proud of myself. I worked hard. I tried to be honest. I hope I became wiser. I wanted to find myself here right now, recovering and happy, and I did.

There are remnants and reminders of the journey -- souvenirs, as a dear friend put it. A little blurred vision, still tender lungs, a slightly less efficient heart, swelling in my legs, numbness in my toes. Souvenirs, including the one inch scar where my port was, which reminds me every day that I set my whole body and mind on reaching the land of No Cancer. I accept them, because I arrived.

But now it's time to celebrate! On Thursday I shared the evening with some of the women who spent so many hours with me while I had chemo. I loved seeing all of them together, around a table piled with delicious food. We toasted me, we toasted Dr. Pearl. If you know me you'll think I spent the evening in tears, but I didn't. We laughed and I smiled, and it was the best way to celebrate the year!

I want to make my anniversary last, so I have an idea. We all have anniversaries -- days or moments we remember, that we look to to help us mark time. Leave a comment, and tell me about an anniversary that you celebrate, big or small. I want to know what makes it special and memorable.

For every comment on this post between now and my birthday on April 28th, I'll make a donation to the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation. It's a wonderful organization that supports research and promotes public awareness of gynecologic cancers, and it's been invaluable to me since my diagnosis. Its Women's Cancer Network was the first website I visited that helped me make sense of what was happening to me. With your help, I want to do more for them.

There's more, because I want to spread my happiness around a little. At the end of the month I'll do the random number thing and somebody will win a prize! If the winner is a knitter, there will be yarn. If not, there will be a book.

So what do you say -- want to play along? I hope so!

Busy as a bee

2010-03-28T17:23:00.001-04:00

I've been busy today -- picking up, chatting on the phone, doing the laundry, getting the grocery delivery, making muffins, and knitting.

Yesterday I skeined the rest of my handspun Bluefaced Leicester and washed it, and this afternoon I began knitting. The scarf I'd planned was too busy for the yarn, so I ~~fooled around~~ ~~experimented~~ swatched until it occurred to me that the simplest pattern would be the best. 2X2 ribbing it is, then. The fabric is soft and drapey and has a high squoosh factor.

I think I've satisfied my urge to start something new, once again, and so I might get back to work on my sweater tonight.

It's been completely quiet here today, when I haven't been interacting with a person. Annabelle snores, of course, and I talk to her as if she's going to respond, but otherwise I've enjoyed the quiet of no television or music or audiobook. I need that every once in a while!

Budding fortune

2010-03-24T18:15:00.001-04:00

I went wandering again today, but not far. I guess everyone knows by now that I love to visit Long Beach, on Little Peconic Bay near Sag Harbor (it has another, more official name, but Long Beach is just what it is). Ever since I moved here in 1993, this place has been a kind of touchstone for me. It was windy today -- loud and blustery, not cold but brisk. I got a good dose of it.

Back at home, in my own back yard, I found a lot of activity. The forsythia are about to burst.

The maple trees are, too.

And the dear, sweet wisteria that twines around the top of my stairs and makes me so happy (unless it decides to try to grow through my door in mid-summer) is just beginning to think about Spring.

This little leaf bud looks like some sort of bug, don't you think?

I'm still working away on my cardigan, but who wants to see a lumpy pile of yarn covered with a halo of cat hair? Sometimes I wonder why Annabelle isn't bald. To break it up a little, and because monogamous knitting is not something I can manage to maintain (forgive me, members of the Yarn Church), I began a new pair of socks. This is Ann Budd's lovely Celebrate Spring pattern, in Sundara's sock yarn, Sage over Butter.

I've also been -- gasp! -- spinning a little. I've decided to try to spin more, and only on my Reeves wheel. I've never really used it enough, and so I'm not completely confident on it. I'm not making any rules here, just establishing an intention.

The Knitter's Book of Wool Woolalong fiber for this month is Bluefaced Leicester, so I spun up eight ounces of dyed Superwash BFL top from Jen at Spirit Trail Fiberworks. If I finish plying the whole batch I might make something like a Morning Surf Scarf, which I think would work with this yarn.

My spinning ability has suffered a bit this past year. I don't notice it all the time, but there's some lingering neuropathy in my hands that doesn't affect my knitting (except that it slows me down a little). I notice it when I'm spinning, though. It's a good thing I don't mind, and that lumpy handspun is just as pretty (to me, at least) as smooth, even yarn. The spinning's the thing. I love to spin and listen to an audiobook, or to just the whir of the wheel. And the Reeves, though it's so big and daunting, is a joy to have and use. It's made so well, with thought and craftsmanship in every detail. I'm a fortunate spinner!

Low tide, stillness

2010-03-10T17:25:00.002-05:00

I was out and about today: to the store to fiddle with a computer, to Sag Harbor to get the mail, and to my favorite place, Long Beach near Sag Harbor. This time I parked on the North Haven side, just because. The tide was out, and the pebbled beach was a good place for a little walk on this fine day.

The still water, blue sky, and beautiful sunshine on my face were just what I needed.

The closer I looked, the more I saw...

A world, right there, uncovered by the pull of the moon.

There's a lot going on at the edge of the bay, and I'm glad I stopped by for a visit.

I'm still having a great time knitting the sweater -- in a little while I'll go knit on the seed stitch border at the bottom, then it's on to the neckband, and then the sleeves. At the moment it's a big lump of knitting, so I won't get a good photo until the body is completed. The colors in the yarn are still shifting beautifully, and I'm pleased with my decision not to bother alternating skeins.

Sweater knitting has helped me focus on something quietly repetitious, and on what has been going on in my head. I'm past the serious pondering, and back to the regular run-of-the-mill stuff (What's for dinner? Will I get a chance to rearrange the art table today? Can I find the time to spin some BFL for this month's Knitter's Book of Wool Woolalong, or do I have some yarn?). This is life!

Pondering

2010-03-03T16:40:00.000-05:00

Knitting is such a healing activity, isn't it? No matter how fully I think I know this, I'm still surprised by it. I'm working on this Knitting Pure and Simple Neck Down Shaped Cardigan #241, which is a mouthful of a name, but a very nice thing to knit. I'm in love with the seed stitch on the front edges. I'm in love with the yarn, too. It's one of those Sundara yarns that doesn't pool or stripe, except in subtle ways that make the whole thing better. I'm not alternating skeins, I'm just knitting. If it weren't such a dreary afternoon, the photograph might do it justice.

I think I'll knit along, and ponder my ponderables, and before too long all will be well.

And I'll have a beautiful sweater to show for it, which makes me smile!

Swatched

2010-02-26T21:05:00.004-05:00

Sundara Worsted Merino, "Arabian Nights"

Need a knitter say more?

Consoled

2010-02-24T17:57:00.002-05:00

Poromity! It's a beautiful hat, amazing yarn, and fun to knit. But. It looks terrible on me. I'm not a tam person after all, or just not a creamy natural white tam person. I even frogged it back and made it less slouchy, but no, it still looks like a pouf of bread dough is perched on my head. I'm sure I'll find a tam-headed person to give it to, so I'm not too sad about it. I wonder if it still counts as a completed Knitting Olympics project?

My consolation has been my other Woolalong project, the Mara shawl in Foxfire Cormo Alpaca Lace. I'm on the last few rows -- I'll bind off when there's just enough yarn left to do it. The finished shawl will be smaller than the size pictured in the pattern, since it's fingering weight yarn instead of worsted. It's been a calming, centering knit, mostly garter stitch with a ribbed ruffle at the edge. And I guess you can tell by the photograph that someone likes it very much!

I love this Lavender Buds color. The natural color of the alpaca peeks through the lavender every once in a while, which gives the yarn more... something. Something good, that is.

Last week was a hard week. My friend and landlord's little cat died suddenly, and I was here to help bury her. There were some small volcanoes at work. And I learned that a long-time customer, M, a kind man who was being treated for cancer at the same time I was, is now receiving hospice care. He and I shared our chemo stories, and had some wonderful conversations, too. He has a wife and two daughters, and he and his family have always been among our most beloved customers.

I rang my little bell for Barry Fraser, though. He's a blogger in Toronto who finished his chemotherapy on Thursday and asked people to join him in ringing the bell. I did. I took my little bell (the one my Cancer Center gave me on my own last day of chemo) to work with me and went to the back room at 2:00, and rang it with all my might, along with all the others that were ringing around the world.

I rang it for Barry, for myself, for Judy’s friend, and for everyone else who is on this journey. If I'd been conscious of it right then, I'd have added special thoughts for M to my small prayer. It wasn't until later in the afternoon that I learned about his being so sick.

Asking why me never seemed like a good way to expend my energy, or like a question that would be likely to have an answer. I just determined to move forward. Take the action, do the thing, have small faith in myself, enough small faith. Find the kernel of strength that could grow into something, into the thing that it took to do the work and finish the job. That's all -- not simple, not easy, just necessary. That is what Barry has done, and I'm sure it's what M has done. We all do it. Those of us living in the world of cancer know how easily the path can descend into darkness, but we keep going anyway, for as long as we can or as long as it takes.

For me, for now, I'm out of the woods and on a brighter, clearer path. I'm grateful and I know how blessed I am. I know that there are many blessings in Barry’s life, and in M’s life too. They're just different. I wish I could give them some of what I have, and I'm thankful for what they've given me. By sharing their experiences with me, they've given me a real gift. To Barry, and especially to M at this moment, I'm deeply grateful.

The news made me so sad. It's hard and depressing and it just plain hurts. Here I am, doing so well, and he's not. I'm so fortunate. I guess that's what I am. I don't feel fortunate right now, though. I just wonder why him.

Alonging

2010-02-11T17:30:00.001-05:00

First there was the Knitter's Book of Wool group on Ravelry, which Clara and I put together a few weeks ago. Next, there was Clara's devilishly clever Woolalong in the KBOW group as well as at Knitter's Review -- each month she'll choose a breed and we'll knit something with its yarn. This month it's Cormo. Now, the 2010 Knitting Olympics have been thrown into the mix, and I'm in. Deep.

I have the yarn -- this [insert appropriate gushing adjective(s) here] Bijou Bliss 50% Yak 50% Cormo that is a soft natural white. I have the pattern -- Jared Flood's Porom Hat. And last but not least, I have my community. Knitting is never solitary, even when I'm at home by myself, because I have a world of knitters right here on my computer. I can't wait to cast on during tomorrow's Opening Ceremonies, along with a few thousand friends!

(Silent) Poetry Reading

2010-02-02T06:30:00.000-05:00

WILD GEESE
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

It's time for the fifth annual Bloggers' (Silent) Poetry Reading, AKA Cyberspace Poetry Slam -- one of my favorite connections in this big little world, and I've participated each year. I borrowed this poem from the delightful Reya, and I don't think she will mind. It seems I'm usually carrying around snippets or poems or bits of wisdom that I find on her blog. Sometimes my pockets overflow! Thank you, sister!

Relaxamatic

2010-01-31T17:15:00.002-05:00

This is how I like to spend my day off. Coffee or tea in my favorite mug, a little knitting, and connectivity at my fingertips. I can't help it; I like my iPhone. It was my Christmas gift to myself, even though I got it in November. That's Judy's Hedgerow Mitt there, almost finished, but not quite. Soon, I promise, while it's still cold enough to wear them!

The photo was taken ten days ago -- the last time I had a really quiet day off at home. I've been busy with work, busy with little things like taking the car to be inspected, and just plain busy. I miss the peace and quiet, so I made it a priority today.

Breakfast was homemade corn and cherry muffins and some fruit. I love dried cherries!

As I continue this inner dialogue on recuperation and recovery, time is marching me forward to another anniversary. It's been about a year since I learned I needed to continue chemotherapy beyond the original seven rounds. I was a mess back then. That news was almost harder to take than learning I had cancer in the first place. I did the job, though. I didn't lie down, I stood up and kept going. And here it is, a year later, and that time is history. It's about history now. Not just putting it behind me, but making it a part of my story.

There will be a lot of anniversaries coming up, things marked on my calendar, and forever on my heart. Every time I see Dr. Pearl, which I'll do this week, I'm marking one. It's another three months since I saw him last, and another three months that I've been on my own, so to speak. Another three months of loving my hair and how it feels and what it means. Another three months of recovery.

I have a new favorite app on my iPhone -- the Hipstamatic Camera. The website declares "Digital Never Looked So Analog" and that just about says it all. There are lots of different "lenses" and "film" and even "flashes." Look what it did with a crazy sunset over Southampton! Ah, life should always be this much fun, shouldn't it?

Annabelle, Olive, and Kermit

2010-01-22T21:49:00.004-05:00

Annabelle's taking a few minutes before she heads off to the foot of the bed to ask you to do something. She wants you to join Olive and Kermit's blogathon to raise money for Haiti. It's really simple -- just go to the New York Times list of charitable organizations, or do what Annabelle did, and donate to Partners in Health and Doctors Without Borders. It doesn't matter what you decide, as long as you go ahead and make a donation.

Thank you!

Bits of life

2010-01-20T14:45:00.001-05:00

I’ve been reading the wonderful columns by Dana Jennings, who writes about his experience with prostate cancer for the New York Times. His words often -- almost always, in fact -- move me. Many times I’ve cried because in writing about himself, he’s written my own truth, and some of my own experience. His past couple of columns have been about returning to life and recovering.

Recuperation from cancer is mostly physical. I recuperated from surgery and radiation, and I’m still recuperating from chemotherapy. Cells divide, hair grows, strength returns. It’s a process, predictable and expected; not without its ups and downs, but nearly inevitable.

But recovering, that’s a different matter. It’s not simple, not predictable. Every single person who has had cancer has a different recovery experience. And it will go on for a long, long time -- you don’t just wake up one day and say, “Well, that’s over and done with; all better now!” You climb, crawl, walk, stumble, until eventually you’re upright, and the road is smoother than it was before.

I’m not on the way to becoming my old self, either. I’m creating a new self from the one who traveled that hard road full of unexpected twists, turns and roadblocks. I’m adding bits of my old life back, little by little. I choose familiar things as I encounter them -- a favorite shirt, a visit to the water, a comfortable position in which to fall asleep -- and add them to Jane, where they become part of me again. I decide to leave other things by the side of the road -- stuff that doesn’t matter, shoes that don’t fit, arguments that can’t be won.

A couple of weeks ago I added a visit with my family. There were hugs and kisses for my little mother, who I hadn’t seen for a long, long time. There were laughter and tears with my sisters, my brother, and their families. My heart filled, and I felt something fall into place. Another bit, reclaimed, making Jane.

~::~

My first knitting project of the new year was this Pretty Thing cowl in Bijou Spun Lace Weight Yak. I added one repeat to the pattern and used US 3 needles. It's more than just a pretty thing -- it's divine. I have Kris to thank for the yarn as well as the exquisite Herend experience (see the photo at the top of the post).

Christmas comes, Christmas goes

2009-12-27T15:45:00.000-05:00

I love to decorate my Christmas tree. I have lots of ornaments, both old and not so old, but my tree is usually so small that I need to be very choosy. I start with the shiny ones, from the box that my mother labeled "Tiny Shiny." Then I move on to the sentimental ones, the bells, and the little sheep. Snow people populate the space underneath. It just makes me happy to perform this small ritual each year, especially when I don't feel like it, or think I don't have time for it. This year I got the tree in time to decorate it during the Blizzard of Ought-Nine.

Here's Main Street in Southampton on the morning after the snow, which shut everything down, including the bookstore. The Village crews had just begun to clear the street and sidewalk, and within about 45 minutes there were parking spaces and walkways so that business could get underway. Good thing, because I was in a knot over having to be closed for even one precious holiday shopping day!

I moved through the week on auto-pilot, seeming to survive on what I could find in the fridge and the cookies given to us by our customers (not entirely, but I did begin to notice that few of my meals contained actual vegetables). Then it was Christmas Eve, which flew by in a blur (I think it might be a good thing that I blocked most of it out), and all of a sudden it was Christmas!

This is one of the gifts I opened in the morning -- a beautiful pillow made by my sister Sarah. She's been trying to figure out how to use some of the yards and yards of old lace trim that our mother had saved over the years. Some of it is really old, probably saved by her mother. This is a wonderful example of the quilting and sewing that my sister does, and I'm so happy to have another piece of her work, especially one that means so much to all of us.

I spent the rest of the day at Judy's house, enjoying Christmas with Judy, Ray, Michael, Rebecca, Rachel, and Louise. We had fun, ate not quite but almost too much, played with our new stuff (a GPS for me from Judy and Ray -- what a treat!), and enjoyed a pretty peaceful day.

Now that the holiday is over, and my knitted gifts have been received, I can post pictures of what I've been knitting. This is a Lacy Baktus scarf for my sister Ellen, made with String Theory's Nano superwash merino...

... and this is the One-Skein Shawl I made for my mom with some acrylic yarn (sorry, I don't know what it is) because it will have to be washed and dried in a machine. She loves it.

I'm still knitting the second of a pair of Hedgerow Mitts for Judy. When I finish it I'll post a photo. The yarn is the beautiful Sunna from Spirit Trail, a new blend of merino, cashmere, and silk. It's delicious.

And speaking of delicious, here's a picture of my lunch (especially for Clara). Peanut butter and cherry jam on two challah clouds. Don't worry, I'm having vegetables for dinner!

Cloudy, salty, sweet sixteen

2009-12-09T19:00:00.001-05:00

We didn't get snow today, but it rained enough to make the day look like this -- dark. It was a good day to knit, though!

I'm working on a few Christmas gifts, so I can't show you anything I'm doing, but it's all wonderful. I'm still in post-Retreat knitting bliss mode. I have so many ideas and plans for 2010... The other day I looked into the bottom of one of the many bags I brought home with me, and what do you know, there are four skeins of Foxfire Fiber Cormo Alpaca Lace in there! I can't wait to sink my needles into it! I have two colors, natural brown and a lovely lavender. I know I'll find the right pattern for one or both, but first I need some free time.

Time is a precious commodity at this time of year. I seem to spend most of mine on work, thinking about work, or resting up to go to work. It's a short holiday season, so frenzy is the best way to describe it. I had to update the bookstore blog today, which is something I enjoy, but haven't had the time to really make it what we want it to become. Working on it on my day off is not my first choice, but at least it's done for now. One of these days it will be something I'm really proud of!

I'm actually enjoying the idea of Christmas this year -- unlike last year, when I crawled through it and the surrounding months. I'm looking forward to my annual shopping trip with Judy and the Remarkable R's, which we're going to squeeze in this Sunday. Today is the girls' sixteenth birthday (!!!), and there's a party on Saturday to celebrate it, along with the birthday of Judy's Wonderful Ray. It's going to be a busy weekend!

Now that my day off is almost over, I think I'll spend the evening working on something special, and thinking about making a batch of salty-sweet pecans. All I need is the recipe, which is in a book at work. If they're as good as they look, I'll let you know!

Perspective

2009-11-29T11:44:00.002-05:00

Calm waters at last... It's been weeks since I had a moment to be quiet, but today is the day. I'm catching up on all sorts of things, resting, knitting, and enjoying some time at home.

The Knitter's Review Retreat was -- there are no words for how wonderful it was! I drove up on Wednesday afternoon with a car full of yarn and my spinning wheel and what felt like my entire house. By the time the rest of the knitters began to arrive on Thursday I'd settled in nicely.

[For a better description of the weekend than I could ever give, read Minh's wonderful three-part blog series. I failed in the photography department, too (not one picture!), but Minh also happens to have taken lots and lots of great pictures.]

My friend and roommate Kristopher arrived very late on Thursday, after working all day and driving for something like eight hours. We hadn't seen each other since last year, so we were looking forward to catching up in person (yarny phone calls just aren't as satisfying as yarny face-to-face conversations). The entire weekend was filled with yarniness -- all my senses were overloaded with yarn, knitters, good food, laughter, friendship, generosity, and fun!

I found myself thinking about my year -- a lot. Last year at the Retreat, I was just about to enter that long, dark winter of chemo and sickness, but I didn't really know it. This year, from the other side, I looked back with a lot of perspective. Surrounded again by all the people who kept me going, and able to (I hope) tell them how much they mean to me, I was happy and nostalgic and teary for most of the weekend. I saw myself differently -- through the eyes of my lovely, caring knitting friends -- not just as a survivor, but as having thrived, too. It's hard to explain, but I love this Jane, from her new hair down to her annoyingly-numb toes.

I started a simple New Beginnings project this year, since last year was the first time I didn't finish what I started on Sunday morning. It was a lace scarf with a provisional cast-on and charts, and apparently, not meant to be. So this time I brought out a skein of merino-alpaca, a beautiful limited edition yarn from Chris at Briar Rose Fibers in greens and blues and browns. I cast on a few stitches on US 10 needles, and began Clara's One Skein Shawl from Knitter's Review. I added some lacey rows, but it's mostly garter stitch, so it's chunky and warm, and above all, easy.

Just what my tired self needs. I'll probably finish it this afternoon.

So the Retreat is over, and Thanksgiving has come and gone, too. I had a great day with Judy and her family -- and I would have stayed longer if I didn't need to be ready for the big weekend at work. Black Friday passed quickly, as it always does, and Saturday was busier than Friday. For the next few weeks my head will be spinning, and then it will be 2010, and I'll get to relax a little. At least I have a goal!

Get on with it

2009-11-11T16:50:00.001-05:00

So much to do, so little time -- or so it seems. I've been knitting away on all sorts of things, mostly from the Pile of Unfinished Knitting, but I did stop and make a Sweet Fern hat to match my Sweet Fern mitts. I love how the set turned out! There might even be a scarf's worth of yarn left over. A small, narrow scarf, but that would do.

I made the hat by spacing five of the cables around the brim, knitting them upside down. Then I turned at the end of a round and knit back in the other direction, so the cables would be on the outside when the brim is folded up. It's hard to explain, but once you do it, it makes sense. The yarn is Riihivilla Aarni, dyed with Indigo.

The other night I pulled out my Whimsy Lace Scarf, which has been weeping softly from the bottom of the knitting basket. I haven't worked on it since February, when chemotherapy finally took any remaining ability to concentrate or count. It's such a nice scarf, and beautiful yarn. It holds a lot of sad energy, though, and there are even places in the knitting that show my distraction. I've decided to give it only happy attention from now on, and the sad bits will fade.

My Levi socks have also come out of the bag again. I'm on the cuff of the second sock, and I'll cart it around with me for the next little while. I'll be wearing the pair before long.

I spent most of Sunday sorting and straightening my closet, and that pleases me. I needed to get into the bins of yarn so I could pick things to bring to the Stash Lounge at the KR Retreat next week. I ended up with two big bags of nice yarn, including all the Elann solid colored sock yarn I got a few years ago. I haven't used a bit of it. There's also a sweater's worth of Elann Peruvian worsted. I'm sure they'll find new homes with happy knitters!

I also dove into the bag of Sundara yarns, but all I did there was marvel and ponder and swoon, as usual, and decide that my next socks must be Brambleberry. Or maybe Through the Woods, or Pie in the Pantry. Oh, I don't know!

I did have a good idea, though. As I was looking through the mountains of sock yarn, I set aside any skeins that would look good as a plain pair of socks. Now, when I get the urge to start something new, I can reach in the bag and grab a no-brainer yarn for a pair of no-brainer socks. Wait -- where did I put that bag, anyway?

I have to keep looking ahead now -- the Retreat is in a week, and I have lots to do and sort and plan. My car is all clean, has a new battery, and is ready to go. The yarn is bagged, and I've begun to decide what to pack. It's even time to start checking the weather report for Williamstown, MA. I'm excited about getting away for a few days, especially because I'll be spending time with some of my favorite people in the whole world -- my knitting peeps!

Goodness

2009-11-02T06:45:00.002-05:00

Blocked and waiting for Annabelle's final inspection -- the Cedar Falling Waters shawl. It's still pinned out on the floor this morning, and I'll leave it there until I get home from work. It's probably dry, but I know me; once I unpin it I'll have to look at it, then put it on, then play with it ...but it's Monday, and I need to get to work. The light was so poor yesterday that the photo can't show how shimmery the purl bumps are, or how the tilting things wave across the surface. And the colors -- they are so cedar-y!

While I watched the shawl dry I finished a pair of Sweet Fern mitts from The Knitter's Book of Wool. I was knitting along on the second one, happily making the thumb increases, la-de-da hooray for me, when I realized I was making a second right-hand mitt. Oh well. When I posted about it on Facebook, I was pleased to learn that it happens to the best knitters sometimes! The yarn is Aarni from Riihivilla, a yarn which my friend Kris forced me to order. Its base is a blend of natural colors, and it's dyed with indigo, so it's a very interesting yarn. I popped the pair into a bath last night and they're still drying, so I'll try to get photos during the week. I also blocked two of the hats I made. I'm on a roll, it seems!

It might be that I'm gearing up for the Knitter's Review Retreat, which is happening in just a few weeks. I have lots to do in the stash before I leave -- there are many bags to sort so I can bring things to swap in the Stash Lounge, and I have to decide what I'm going to knit while I'm there, and I want to choose a yarn and project to start on Sunday morning.

It also might be that I had very good news last week. I'd been dreading my second three-month checkup with Dr. Pearl. Last time there was still some concern about my blood work, so we were being watchful and waiting to see how it would be this time. Well, it was the best it's ever been. So normal that it's crazy-normal. The three of us -- me, Dr. P. and Nurse Sylvia -- were thrilled! I feel like I've been doing things right (as in getting healthier), and I can keep going without all the worry. I'm so very grateful to be in the care of this wonderful doctor and nurse, and I'm also very proud of what I've done.

Oh, and I got my first haircut the other day!

Well spent

2009-10-25T18:30:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, like today, I find myself nearing the end of a Sunday and I realize that I didn't set foot out the door. I didn't go anywhere, or breathe the autumn air, or visit anyone. But I had just the day I needed, and I spent it on myself.

The week's stresses and small anxieties had to be processed. My body needed rest, especially after last weekend's Rhinebeckathon.* There was a cat to tend, and laundry to do. There were corn muffins to make, and phone calls with friends to be had. There was tea, and an apple, and peanut butter on celery.

Most of all, there was knitting. I have only 50 rows -- just 5000 stitches -- left to knit on my Cedar Falling Waters shawl, and I finished a third Hill Country hat.

There's nothing else I would rather have done today. I think I'm ready for the week to come.

*Rhinebeck was cold, happy, tiring, fun, wet, and satisfying. I'd go back again right this minute, if I could.

Road trip

2009-10-16T06:15:00.000-04:00

It's time to pull out the little overnight bag, pack up the knitting projects, and choose some warm wooly things to wear to Rhinebeck. This year, rain gear is a necessity as well, unless the weather report changes soon. Judy and the R's are due at my house at around 4:00 this afternoon, so I have lots to do between now and then. There's the matter of that pesky work day, too; I have to fit that in somewhere.

We're all excited, as usual. The road trip, the laughter, the Eveready Diner for breakfast. The wool and sheep and alpacas and llamas -- oh my. The too-short visits with dear, dear friends, and the possibility of meeting up with treasured blog-friends. The surprises that could await us around any corner or down any aisle. Rhinebeck -- there's nothing like it!

I won't be taking this warm hat with me this weekend because it's bound for the donation table at the Knitter's Review Retreat in November. It's the Hill Country Hat from The Knitter's Book of Wool, designed by Clara Parkes. She's offered it to all of us in this week's Knitter's Review newsletter. It took me just a few hours to knit, and I used Rowan Purelife Organic Sheep Breeds Chunky in Shetland Moorit. I think I'll make two or three more!

I'd better get going, or I'll be late before I'm ready. Thank you all for your comments about the shawl, and for taking the journey with me.

Falling Waters

2009-10-14T17:10:00.001-04:00

At last! I've been waiting for so long! Clara's Parkes' Knitter's Book of Wool has finally arrived. It's beautiful. It's filled with everything Clara knows and loves about wool, indispensable gifts to all of us knitters. And right there on page 168 is my very own contribution, the Falling Waters Shawl.

I'm so many things right now -- happy, relieved, honored, sentimental, and proud. I began designing this piece at the beginning of 2008, and I finished knitting it in May, just as I was about to learn that something was really wrong with me. There were tests, feverish knitting, more tests, and more knitting. The shawl was a lifeline all through the designing and knitting. I felt so powerful, so full of a creative force, and so much myself as I worked on it, even as I got closer to knowing that I had cancer.

I sent it off to Clara with joy, tempered by hope that it really was something that could find a place in her book, and not just a mess of tilting things. I loved the tilting blocks, but I also loved their balance, and the overall symmetry of the shawl. I think I needed to find some of that somewhere just then, because all I could feel was the frightening tilting of my own life.

Now, more than a year later, I'm able to look over my shoulder at the long road behind me. The dreadful mountains and dark valleys, the few soft grassy places -- everything, all of it, bordered by the sweet river of that blue shawl.

It occurred to me that I needed a Falling Waters of my own, so I began this one a couple of weeks ago. I'm almost finished now, and I'm deep into the rhythm of the knitting. I'm soothed again, just as I was when I knit the first shawl. I'm finishing the journey. And it turns out that yes, I think I can tilt and yet remain balanced, in knitting and in life.

All there is

2009-10-04T17:15:00.001-04:00

I'm knitting all the time. I think about it while I am at work. I want to knit the minute I wake up in the morning. In the evening I knit until my thumbs ache and my eyes sting. I have not stopped knitting -- either in reality, or just in my head -- since I began this project on Thursday. For the time being, you'll have to wonder what it is, but I suppose it's clear that it means a great deal to me, and that I'm in love with it. The yarn is "Cedar" Merino DK from String Theory. There is more to it than what this picture shows -- it really does look like a whole cedar tree.

This is the sock I abandoned on Thursday afternoon when the String Theory yarn arrived. It's a wonderful sock, simple and oh so soft. The yarn is Kitchen Sink Dyeworks' Luxe Merino Fine in "Levi." It's merino, cashmere and nylon. Mmmmmm. It is delicious... but it will have to wait.

Even sitting here to write this is hard. The knitting is calling to me from across the room. Of course there's more to life than knitting, but not today. I'm completely content forming the knits and purls, the yarn-overs and the K2togethers, and watching the colors dance across the fabric as I knit. Every stitch is a step in a journey.

Sleepy Sunday

2009-09-20T17:10:00.003-04:00

It's been a long time since I've had an actual social life. I began to be able to count the times I did something just for fun out in the world (and I'm talking within about a ten-mile radius) on half of one hand. What I had was a life centered around and dependent upon my health (either my treatment schedule or my level of fatigue dictated all). All that is beginning to change.

After work yesterday I headed over to Judy's house to help celebrate her mother's 95th birthday. Yes, 95th. I love Louise like another mother, so this was a real family event. The Remarkable R's spent a good deal of time petting my new hair ("It's so soft! Like a puppy!"), and we all had a grand time talking and enjoying a good meal and watching Louise take it all in. By the time I got home I was done in, though. Boy, was I happy to turn out the lights.

This evening I'm heading back to Sag Harbor to celebrate my friend Sarah's birthday, but I'm ready for this one. I took a nap this afternoon!

It's been a perfect early fall day -- cool, breezy, nap-inducing. I did the laundry, got the grocery delivery, did the dishes, and knit a little on the second half of the second Rosy Hedgerow sock. I'd be finished by now, but at knitting group the other day I discovered that the heel was about four rows too shallow. Bah.

I'm pondering this new worldliness of mine. I'm pondering a lot these days. So many little things mean so much -- hurrying to cross the street (I can do it!), staying up past 9:00 (woo-hoo!), having the energy to spend time with the people I love (priceless).

Speaking of which, I'll be late if I don't get up from the computer right now.

Progress

2009-09-13T16:10:00.000-04:00

I'm having such a good time knitting this Hedgerow that I think I'll finish it by tonight. I know the pattern by heart, so the knitting is easy and straightforward. I think I'll use the round toe this time. Then it's on to the second sock, and who knows, I might finish the pair this week.

Earlier in the summer I discovered that my Hedgerow Sock pattern had been chosen to be included in the Sock Museum's Iconic Socks Collection. What an honor! I only wish I could have knitted the pair that is on display, but I'm really pleased that we -- me and Knitter's Review -- are represented.

It's been rainy for the past few days, but by noon today the sun was out and a nice breeze began to make the humidity level drop. There are crickets in the grass, and the neighborhood is quiet, as if there's no one home. Just a week ago there was traffic and the sounds of lots of activity, but now all I hear is an occasional car, or a door closing, or a dog barking. It's nice.

I've been hearing an interesting bird call at night lately, and until this week I didn't know what it was. It's a soft, mournful call from up in the trees, almost like a far-off whinny. I googled around and found out that it's an Eastern Screech Ow l. Now I have a way to thank him when he stops by my house in the evening -- I have always loved that sound (and there's nothing very "screechy" about it).

~:~:~:~

I know a crazy knitter who wants to go to Antarctica. Eva is her name, and she blogs at Out of Yarn. The trip is sponsored by Quark Expeditions, which is looking for an Official Blogger. She should get to go, and we can help her by voting for her here.There's information about the trip and Eva's interest in it in her September 8 post. So go vote!

A sock toe is calling me, and I think I'll listen to it. It's been a good day off!

It's me again

2009-09-09T15:50:00.002-04:00

"New" knitting
I decided what to knit next -- but it's not all that new, and it's not for me. I cast on a pair of Hedgerow socks for Cindy, the wonderful massage therapist who has been treating me for an annoying condition called lymphedema. It's not uncommon in cancer patients whose lymph nodes were removed or damaged during treatment. Thank goodness the treatment is non-invasive, and thank goodness that I found a skilled therapist who really knows her stuff. She deserves some comfy socks, don't you think?

Anyway, the yarn is (surprise!) Sundara Sock in one of her earlier colors called Terracotta over Rose. In person it's a little less pink, and not so bright. I think I'll work on them at knitting group, which resumes tomorrow after a summer break. I haven't been since last year, so I'm looking forward to it. If I can't get away from work a little early, I'll be sad.

Another passage
I'm really liking my hair. As soon as I had enough to cover my head I stopped wearing a scarf. I felt awfully bold on that first Saturday back in July! Now that it's getting fuller and longer, I don't feel like a cancer patient any more; I feel like a woman with really short hair. And I feel like Me. It will be fun to experiment with hair styles without fear, since I'm starting from scratch, and I think I'll keep it short for a while.

So far so good
Now that I've been on Facebook for a few days and it's become another room in my internet house, it's not so daunting. I've managed to resist an invitation from one of the Remarkable R's to join her in Farmville, and I got my sister Sarah to join the rest of the family (my brothers are the next to be recruited). My friend Judy has become friends with my friend Reya, which is a giggle and makes me reconsider the whole six degrees of separation thing, which I suppose is what Facebook is really all about. So it's all good, especially since it is inspiring me to write more.

Catching up

2009-09-06T15:45:00.000-04:00

Endings and beginnings
Summer is almost over, at last. At long last. The days feel different -- it's still dark when I wake up in the morning, and by late afternoon the light has that amber tinge that signals a change in the season. It's time for a shift, away from the hectic and hot days of summer, and towards my favorite time of year. It's also time to get back to knitting.

I've been so busy that I haven't had the energy to do much besides work and sleep. I picked up this forlorn sock the other day, and realized that I need to knit as much as I want to knit. My hands have missed it, and my brain has missed it, too. So I'm plugging away, a few rows at a time, and dreaming of knitting something new. What it will be, I don't know. But it has to be new. All the projects that are in various states of completion will have to wait. I need to start something.

Farewell, Portia
About a year ago, when cancer was where I lived, I had to have a chest port implanted so I could begin chemotherapy. A few weeks ago I had the procedure to remove it. I was surprised to find that I had mixed feelings about it -- Portia, as I called her, was never an easy one to get along with. She pulled, she ached, she malfunctioned at the worst possible moments (just as I was about to receive the Big Bad Adriamycin, not once but twice). She made herself a nuisance. But on the other hand, Portia was a means to a good outcome. She made it possible for me to receive the drugs more safely and with less discomfort than if they had had to be infused through a vein. She did her job, most of the time.

So when I was officially done with chemo, I lobbied Dr. Pearl. I wanted to be rid of Portia as soon as possible. When he agreed, finally, and the date was set, I was so happy! I couldn't wait -- but there was something else, too. Portia had helped save me, and what would I do without that little plastic do-dad to reassure me? To be honest, I was scared. Having a port meant I could be treated, and being treated meant I could be well. What if...? It wasn't until I caught a glimpse of her as the radiologist was tossing her away that I knew I didn't need her any more. Goodbye, my fickle friend, and thank you.

Techno-grip
I joined Facebook today. Or rather, I joined and ducked for cover. It was a whim, indulged with a few clicks. What was I thinking? That I was missing something? That I need to be so casually connected with the whole world? That I will be willing to spend even more time tweaking and arranging yet another version of my public self? Yes, yes, and yes. Oh, well. Someone please tell me it will be fun.

Literary pursuits
At least I have been reading (it's part of my job, after all). Four books have had my attention in the past few weeks. Sweeping Up Glass by Carolyn Wall is a well-told story about a woman who tends to take care of everyone. There's a bit of a dramatic story there, too, but I liked the book because I liked the character.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson is so wildly popular that I felt obliged to read it. I don't do suspense/thriller/mystery much; I want memorable words and characters, and this genre is usually heavy on plot and light on character development. But this time, the Girl pulled me in. She's fascinating, and I so wanted to see where she was heading that I read the book in just a few days. It's not for everyone, so don't think you have to read it just because everyone tells you it's fabulous. Reading is supposed to be pleasurable, after all.

Await your Reply by Dan Chaon is just brilliant. Are we who we think or say we are, and do we get to decide? I've never read anything like this book, and I don't want to do it an injustice by trying to tell you more about it.

The book I'm just finishing now is Strength in What Remains by Tracy Kidder. It's a true story about a man who escaped the genocide in Burundi and Rwanda and made his way to New York, eventually becoming a doctor. I spent so much of the past year becoming aware of and testing my capabilities that I came to this story with what I thought was a little bit of understanding. I'll never know though, what it takes to simply survive through the night, what just being really means. I'm a piker.

On with it, then
The Internets are calling. There's this thing called a wall, and one of my nieces just friended me, and I think I'm supposed to think of things to actually write on the wall. Right?

I'm swimming along

2009-07-19T18:30:00.002-04:00

And I jumped in with both feet! I added another day to my work week right before the 4th of July holiday, bringing me back to a full-time schedule just in time for the onset of the summer madness. I'm so happy to be able to say I'm really "back" but the trade-off is that I need a lot more rest than before, in the old days before cancer.

An aside -- a few weeks ago I asked Dr. Pearl's nurse (a rock if ever there was one) my burning question: what is this strange time called, this time after treatment, when life gets to/has to resume, when slow and steady recovery is the goal yet uncertainty seems to keep lurking in the corner? "It's called remission," she said. I waited until I got to the car to laugh and cry.

So what do I do each day? Go to work. Work hard, almost as hard as I used to. Come home and climb the stairs (which have been reduced to something more like the Appalachians than Mt. Everest). Eat something. Put my feet up. Watch a little TV, catch up on phone calls, knit if I can concentrate. Read for a few minutes in bed, then turn off the light after the book smacks me in the face because I've dozed off. Rinse and repeat! I have no complaints -- I'm so pleased that I'm able to do my whole job again, and I'm happy every single day that I can come home bone-tired for some reason other than illness.

Knitting has taken a bit of a back seat, but I am almost finished with the second Hedgerow Mitt, which in this photo is only a few inches along. I would have finished it already, but I noticed that before the hand decreases I got a little carried away, and knit too many rounds. I need to frog back so this mitt will match its mate.

I still haven't figured out how to take a good photo of such a red yarn, but I'll keep trying.

We've been lucky with our weather lately, so lucky that until the past few days it's felt more like April than July. Today has been another gorgeous day, and a good day to be able to stay home, recuperate from the week, and enjoy my pretty flowers (a nice surprise from my boss). By tomorrow morning I'll feel rested and ready to take on the pile of things on my list!

A wish

2009-06-14T20:15:00.000-04:00

So green, and sunny at last! According to the weatherman we've had thirteen straight days of "measurable precipitation." I'll say.

Nestled in the green (earlier today, before the sun came out) is the yarn I'm using for my Hedgerow Mitts. The Knitters Review Greatest Hedgerowalong on Earth starts tomorrow, so I wound my skein today. I might have started knitting, too, but I'm not telling.

Anyway, I ordered this beautiful skein of Alexandra Superwash Merino from Jennifer at Spirit Trail Fiberworks. It's even more beautiful in person, and it might even look great on the needles, but I won't know that till tomorrow, will I? ;-)

I hope the weather gets better soon. Summer is almost here, after all. It seems like it's been weeks since we made it out of the 60's. The bookstore is getting busier every day, and we spend a lot of our time helping customers choose beach reads, so at least somebody has confidence in the weather!

I love being able to keep the windows open, but there are drawbacks. My neighbor, whose yard is about 200 yards away, has outdoor speakers. My neighbor also, it seems, owns only one CD -- Elton John's Greatest Hits. To top it off, my neighbor really loves to listen to tunes by the pool, because sometimes Elton John may as well be in my living room, well into the late evening. I tune it out and laugh it off most of the time, and at least I don't have to listen to it every day, but every once in a while "Benny and the Jets" sends me right over the edge. And the other day I found myself humming "Candle in the Wind" in the car on the way to work -- not a good sign!

~:~

Yesterday I had one of those little conversations about myself with a dear customer. I haven't seen her in a long time, since she and her husband moved away a couple of years ago. As we chatted she said, "I have a wish for you. I wish you 44 years of good health and happiness. That's how long I've been a breast cancer survivor."

Now, isn't that just the best wish?

Somewhat random, with heart

2009-06-07T18:10:00.004-04:00

The other morning I was making my favorite iced coffee, just casually pouring the coffee into the frothed milk (I like to make the milk frothy, and I have one of those little gizmos that does it), and look what happened! A glass of caffeinated love! A barrista moment! I couldn't do it again if I tried.

I'm making good progress on my Boxleaf shawl, but a new photo would look just like the one I posted before. I don't know how many stitches I have on the needles at this point, or how many I'll end up with, but boy, those rows are getting long. I used to be able to do an entire ten-row repeat in one sitting, but not any longer. I have to remember to mark my place, but it's also pretty easy to find my place if I lose it. I'm going to knit until I get close to running out of yarn, and 500 yards will make a nice shawl.

I'd like to be almost finished with the shawl in time to start the Knitter's Review knitalong for Amy's Hedgerow Mitts, which starts on June 15. The pattern is based on my socks, and I love it. Amy and I talked about it last year, Clara loved the idea and encouraged her to do it, and the pattern made its debut on May 28. I'm thrilled for Amy, and I can't wait to get started on my first pair! They'll be in a beautiful red shade of Alexandra from Spirit Trail Fiberworks.

Though I've settled into my skin a bit more since my last post, I'm still finding new ways to think about my life with cancer. It's summer at the bookstore, so a day doesn't go by without my seeing someone I haven't seen in months, or even a year. It's not easy, but I'm getting used to having small conversations about myself with people who are sweet and kind and concerned. I'm not used to sharing much more than book recommendations with my customers, so I'm developing ways to share a little bit of my experience to reassure these lovely people -- yes, I have been sick, but yes, I am on my way to being well. Thank goodness I've practiced here!

Annabelle had the best idea for this sunny, breezy Sunday -- a nice nap in the window, and a bit of a bath. Now, however, she would like her supper. I can't turn her down. Besides, she won't let me forget what time it is!

Have a wonderful week, everyone. Thank you for coming here, and thank you for all your kind, interesting, and uplifting comments and emails. I don't know if I'd be traveling forward (or upright, for that matter) if I were on this road all by myself.

~:~
Today, June 7, is National Cancer Survivors Day. I guess that includes me!
~:~

Pebbles, Thoughts

2009-05-24T16:25:00.003-04:00

One year ago this week I learned that I had cancer. This is the week my life changed, and I became a new Jane, with the old Jane by her side, but new nonetheless. Because I’m pretty good-natured in general I think I’ve been able to think positively for most of this year. I haven’t been depressed. I’ve been afraid -- I still am, a little -- and I’ve been worn out, but I haven’t fallen too far into the black pit, never so far that I couldn’t haul myself out.

I could make lists of what I’ve been through, and what I’ve learned. I could go over every awful event and milestone, one by one. But when I look back at the whole year, I see my strength and power, along with the open mind and heart it took to temper all the hard things. That’s what I’ve learned -- that my openness and willingness, and my choice to see the experience as powerful, have really made a difference in my recovery. I took on some very big things, and here I am writing about it.

So I guess cancer is my friend, my very dark friend. It’s given me many gifts, even as it has taken so much from me. Though I don't want it in my life, I’ve come to depend on it, in a strange way. It's been the reason for so many things, for this entire year of things. It's caused me to have a new life, a new normal, a new reality. The new reality includes cancer. Whether it’s here or it’s gone -- doesn’t matter. It's part of me, and it changed everything.

A year ago, when I was diagnosed, and I was about to have surgery, I didn’t yet know what it meant to have cancer. It was big, but it didn’t have a shape yet. The fear that I felt made me do things like become efficient, set my house in order, and buy nightgowns. I was determined to be prepared for anything. Later, as time passed and I needed more treatment, cancer settled into my life to stay. I began to understand it, and then accept it. That’s when it became my dark friend, I suppose.

I’m not sure what the next year will bring. I hope it will bring more joy, and peace of mind, and less time spent worrying about cancer. I hope I’ll keep all the best things I found in myself safe and sound. I hope my bags won’t be burdensome, because until I really believe that I’m not in danger, I can’t put them down.

Yes, that's right -- this is knitting! I have been knitting again. It's Anne Hanson's Boxleaf Shawl in Sundara's Fingering Silky Merino. It was the project I had to shake the dust off of. After that, how could I not pick it up and keep going?

The color is called "Beach Pebbles" and I think it looks a lot like the picture of pebbles in the bay that I took the other day. I'm content to poke along on this project -- it's fun and the rhythm of the repeats makes me happy -- but I have begun to feel the familiar twinges that signal startitis. Should I treat them, or ignore them?

My Mt. Everest

2009-05-03T12:00:00.004-04:00

Three months is a long time. A long time in any life, practically a season, and a long time to be away from this space. I didn't really go anywhere, but I feel like I've been on a long journey.

Just after I posted the last time, I was told that I needed more chemotherapy. Three more rounds, to see if we could improve the results. That I needed the extra treatments at all was hard news -- hadn't I already done everything humanly possible? -- but the treatments themselves seemed to take everything out of me. I thought I'd gotten away without experiencing really severe fatigue, but there I was, having to go back to bed after doing something as simple as making a cup of tea. I went to work, barely, and the stairs up to my apartment became my one goal for the day -- could I climb Mt. Everest one more time?

But look, here I am, living to tell the tale. I did it. I got the good news about my latest scans on my birthday, and I celebrated by going to the ocean. I had to stay up on the dune because the sand was just too soft to navigate, but I went there, and I had a good cry and a nice time.

I've been told that I'm brave and strong, and I suppose I might be. But every person who does this, this chemotherapy and cancer treatment, is extraordinary. It’s done quietly, somewhere, every day, by brave people who want to live. I am honored to be in such good company!

~:~

My knitting has suffered quite a bit these past few months. It seems that I did get a burst of energy at one point, because I spun up some Foxfire Cormo/Silk roving.

I cast on this little scarf in the middle of March, and worked on it while I was being pumped with toxic chemicals. Before long I had a nice warm springtime scarf, which I wore a lot, since our spring is notoriously slow to show herself.

Other than this one little bit, no knitting has been seen in my hands for a long time. I'm still surrounded by it -- just the other day I shook the dust off the beginnings of a nice shawl -- but I haven't been inspired to knit. I think that will change soon. My energy is returning, slowly but steadily, and my brain is clearing, along with the blurry vision that was a temporary side effect of one of the chemo drugs.

I'm sure I'll get back to knitting before long -- and back to many other things, as well!

7:30pm Edited to add: I just got home from my b'day dinner at Judy's house, where what we were really celebrating was that I can look forward to more birthdays. I think it's beginning to sink in...

Bloggers (Silent) Poetry Reading

2009-02-02T12:50:00.004-05:00

My Hand

See how the past is not finished
here in the present
it is awake the whole time
never waiting
it is my hand now but not what I held
it is not my hand but what I held
it is what I remember
but it never seems quite the same
no one else remembers it
a house long gone into air
the flutter of tires over a brick road
cool light in a vanished bedroom
the flash of the oriole
between one life and another
the river a child watched

W. S. Merwin
The Shadow of Sirius

Thank you, Reya!

Back to knitting

2009-02-01T13:50:00.001-05:00

Well. This sure has been interesting! Several things worth thinking about have emerged from my Blog of Note experience.

There really are levels and adjoining circles on the internet, and I suspect that most of us travel in pretty small circles, relatively speaking. I've been so used to a readership of mostly knitters that my new, wider circle is still a surprise.
Well-wishes and encouragement from total strangers, sometimes even delivered in a language I don't speak, are very nice. Very nice indeed.
I've never discouraged Anonymous comments, until now. I had to turn them off after I was bombarded with spam. Some people have too much time on their hands.
My advice to anyone who is named a Blog of Note? Take cover till it's mostly over, then read all the comments and enjoy the rest of the ride.

Now to the knitting. Here is my Whimsy Lace Scarf --

I haven't spent much time with it lately, but I plan to remedy that. It takes about 15 minutes to do a repeat, and I've memorized the procedure, so it's not that hard to make progress. The top portion, in garter stitch, forms the neck or collar. The ruffles cascade around the shoulders.

This is the leg of a sock. It's the tried-and-true no-brain-required Blueberry Waffle pattern, in Sundara's Deadly Nightshade (I think this is a Seasons Collection color). Pardon the cat hair. I'm almost halfway finished with the second sock, and I hope I can make some progress on it, too. One of the more annoying side effects of chemotherapy is neuropathy in my fingers. Lucky for me, mine isn't too bad (and it should go away), but it does slow me down!

My real problem with what I'm knitting is that I want to start a new pair of socks. I'm itching to cast on. I have delightful yarn that's waiting for me, but these two are just as delightful, and they're already on their way to being done. Can I resist, at least until I finish the socks? Probably not.

Our weather has finally improved a little -- the weekend has been sunny and not too cold, so my grey mood is gone. It was too windy to visit the bay yesterday. It would have been nice to get a closer look at all the ice chunks that have pushed up against the shoreline. They take such interesting shapes. I hope that February lets me get out into the world a little more!

I'll be back tomorrow with my poem for this year's (Silent) Poetry Reading. This is one of my all-time favorite blog events.

By the way, today is Pajama Day. I'm in!

Just who am I, anyway?

2009-01-29T16:51:00.006-05:00

What a surprise, finding myself a Blogger Blog of Note today! I'm honored, but slightly uncomfortable. Yes, this is a public space, and yes, many anonymous readers stop by ... but somehow, anyway, right now, I feel a little exposed.

You see, I think of myself as a knitblogger. I'm part of a large and wonderful community of people who share my passion, and I'm blessed to have made many friends, both real and virtual, in this relatively small corner of the big old internet. But here, today, the doors have been flung wide open!

My blog and my life seem to be defined by what is going on right now -- cancer treatment and navigating the strange terrain of it, and getting on with it -- but when I seek to define myself cancer isn't at the top of the list.

So: I'm a knitter. I'm a spinner. I've made many pairs of socks, and whatever else that has inspired me. I love yarn. I design knitting patterns once in a while. I'm a bookseller, too. I live with that cat, in a little apartment near the Atlantic Ocean. I go to the water as often as I can, to refill and be and look out at the horizon. I'm a middle child. Sure, I have cancer. I also have a good life that's on the way to getting better.

There. I feel better now. Welcome everyone!

Little question

2009-01-28T10:21:00.002-05:00

You'd think I could have nipped this little habit in the bud, but of course I failed. She knows who's in charge.

There is little question that I have been away from this space for too long. I want to do something about that. I miss it. Now that my world is about to open up again -- yes, I am finished with chemotherapy! -- I hope to find myself knitting more, and living life, and writing about it again.

I'm still processing what it means to have successfully navigated these past five and a half months. It will be a while before I do, and for now the good old slow and steady approach still serves. I feel cautious about everything -- but happy, definitely happy. I did it!

If only winter were not so relentless! I want sunshine! I want bright blue skies! Instead, it's been snowing this morning, and rain is on the way. There's been ice and snow on the ground forever, and the gray of the sky and the ground and everything in between doesn't help. I'm tired enough that I slog through each day anyway, and having to add a trudge over leftover snow in colorless light and landscape is just too much, don't you think?

I'm knitting away on little things, but nothing is worth showing yet. I started a Whimsy Lace Scarf just like Rosi's (because hers is an inspiration) with Hand Maiden Mini Maiden (just like Rosi) in "Paris." It's a wonderful pattern with lots of short rows, so it's fun to knit. I love the yarn, too. There are socks, of course. And I feel some mitts coming on.

There'll be time for all of it, but ...

... just now, I think Annabelle has the right idea!